A beautiful prayer that comes from a heart with groaning too deep for words.
To recognize the darkness that is eclipsing my life,
to pray for the light of the Father to dawn again.
To feel weakness that robs even my body from endurance,
to pray that El Shaddai will renew my strength.
To feel the brokenness that reaches to the very marrow of my bones,
to pray that the Comforter will reconstruct what has been broken.
To see and feel the bruises that have been left on my soul,
to pray that the Great Physician will restore my heart.
To be so sick at heart that life has lost meaning,
to pray the the Father of Mercies will be the light at the end of this long and dismal tunnel.
That He will give strength to my weariness,
replace my weakness with power.
That He will empower me to soar on wings like eagles;
to run and not grow weary and to walk and not faint.
A simple posting on Facebook that spoke volumes to my torn heart. I have touched the bottom and it is sound. He has not abandoned me to yet another wasteland.
(I have had quite a few emails and conversations asking me to start writing again. I have been in a rough place, and quite frankly, I haven't had the emotional bandwidth. That being said, today is Easter Sunday - a time for new beginnings and resurrection - so here goes.)
As many of you know, my wife Josephine left in mid-December. I still have no idea where she is or if she is alright. Since that time I have been struggling with depression and loneliness. My faith is strong and thanks to three groups of people, the Foothills Church of Christ here in Reno and the Tammany Oaks Church of Christ in Mandeville, LA - and my wonderful kids Sarah and Nathan - I KNOW I am loved.
The reason I am writing today, rather than being in a fetal position on my bed, is that I know there are others in the same pain.
For nineteen years I have stood side-by-side with Josephine. I helped her get her B.S. and MSW. Stood by her through various troubles that came our way. I have always been the supportive and loving husband I thought I could be. Then - Whoosh! - My entire life was uprooted and I was life feeling like the words of this song:
"Well is they say that love in in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side"
Yes, I spend a great deal of wondering why. All self justification aside, I still do not have an answer to that question. Intellectually, I know I will get through this, but it is the emotional side of me that is a train wreck. Mainly because I do not know where I am going or what I am supposed to do. All I have left is to throw myself at the feet of a compassionate God and ask for His grace in my time of need.
I wish there was some easy 1,2,3 formula to get through this but there isn't. (I will try one a bit later) Sometimes I think suffering is just that, suffering. Many of us are willing to concede that we have had enough, yet it keeps on coming. The words in that little picture are very true and not some pie-in-the-sky psychobabble. I am a stronger man because of the things I have faced in my life. In reality, I am thankful for every scar that is on my heart because each one shows a time I had to place my faith in the God of the universe. Yes, even He wants me to be whole.
In Psalm 34:17-20 Eugene Peterson translates it this way in The Message.
"Is anyone crying for help?
God is listening, ready to rescue you.
If your heart is broken,
you'll find God right there;
if you're kicked in the gut,
he'll help you catch your breath.
Disciples so often get in trouble;
still, God is there every time.
He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone;
not even a finger gets broken."
For a person who does not share my faith - those words are nonsense. To me they are a promise from a Father that always keeps His promises. No matter how bad this whole thing gets, I know He is There and Not Silent.
Since I am still in the midst of this cyclone all I can do is give some advice. It may change after I either land in Kansas or Oz, but here goes:
Cling to your faith.
Find a loving body of fellow believers. (This can be tricky. Make sure they understand that we all suffer and want to help you. Avoid legalistic and judgmental people - they always want to assign blame).
Get out of the house.
Cling to your faith.
Let's see how this goes as I continue my journey. Below is wonderful song be Johnny Cash that ,might help.
~Please Allow the Words of This Song to Encourage You~
Labels are difficult to avoid. Most of us when asked to tell someone who we are respond with our vocation. I am a plumber, homemaker, minister, police officer or whatever. We do that to keep from telling people who we feel we are. I am a failure, a loser, an addict, divorced, lonely, depressed, incapable or some other label we have chosen to describe our inner hurts. Often those labels have come from a parent or other authority figure and we believed them and they stuck.
I was recently listening to a message by Joel Osteen where he spoke of "wormy" thinking. The concept grabbed me and it made sense. Over our lives we have been told who and what we are. During that same time those labels built a cocoon around us and trapped us inside. We struggle inside that cocoon and we reinforce the walls with wormy thinking. We have accepted that we are a worm and the idea of breaking free is just a distant and unattainable dream. Just as that beautiful butterfly was never meant to stay in its cocoon - neither are you!
Sometimes we forget that we are beloved by God; the Creator and Sustainer of the universe. We were created in His image. From passages like John 3:16:
"For God so loved the world that he he gave his only
begotten son That whosoever believe on him shall not perish but have everlasting life."
To Jeremiah 1:5
"Before I formed you in the womb
I knew you,
and before you were born
I consecrated you..."
There are times when the struggles and stresses of our life are so overwhelming we long to crawl back into our cocoon and wallow in self-pity. We forget the grace of God. I would like to remind you today that you are loved and that God does not look at where you have been -- He sees what you can become. I hope in some small way God can use these words to remind you that you are valuable and loved.
Of all of the Rocky movies, my favorites were the last and the first. Everyone remembers the story of, Rocky, the underdog who gets his big break and meet Apollo Creed in the ring. We cheered when The Rocky Theme was played. Rocky calling for Adrianne after the fight - "Adrienne, I did it!". The final movie, Rocky Balboa, had the hero well past his prime. A man who had buried the love of his life, Adrienne. The Rocky Theme would play softly and very slowly as we watched Rocky sit at the graveside of Adrienne in a wooden chair - and talk to her. In the last movie, Rocky is a has-been with brain damage and he is alienated from his son. He has been to the mountaintop and now is back in the valley. He is a lonely -- BUT NOT A BROKEN man!
The scene below is, in my opinion, one of the greatest scenes I have seen in any movie:
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life...
But it ain't about how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. . It's How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done...
Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not point fingers and blame other people. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!..!!!"
This movie had a huge impact on me because what was said was so true in my own life. " Its not how hard you hit, but how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." I think most of us have had our fair share of hits. How we respond to those hits determines if we choose to be a "victim" or a "victor". I have had some hits in my life that I thought would knock me out of the game. Honestly, my initial defensive response was to blame the situation or other people or a person in general; then I came to realize that it was my choice that caused it. I am not saying that there cannot be outside influences, but there comes a time when you have to say to yourself,
"OK, that sucked and it really hurt me - DEAL WITH IT!"
I know many people who are clinging to past pain or even past successes that have long ago gone away. In many cases losing success is one of the hardest. When I went through my divorce I had a successful Mortgage Banking company, (that was before they became the pariahs of our society), I went from making mid six-figures to nothing. The next year my gross salary was $27,000. My family was shattered, I was alone, I had lawsuits against me, I was in bankruptcy and foreclosure. I even had the District Attorney's Office deposing me to see if I had done anything that warranted prosecution. Yet, through the grace of God - I survived.
For me, it felt like I had hornets swirling around my head. It seemed that wherever I turned there was another attack - I was completely overwhelmed. I sat down one night with a pad of paper and I wrote down all of the things that I was facing. I took the hardest ones first and made a list. I had decided I would fight them one at a time. I can handle one hornet better than a swarm. One by one I took them on, but with a constant gaze toward the future. It took years and it wasn't easy but by focusing on the future I was able to defeat the past. Now, I am not Superman, there were times I felt like ending it all with a bullet to the brain. Yet the drive to make it through the "Perfect Storm" in my life gave me that North Star to guide me.
For those of you in your own "Perfect Storm", all I can tell you is to look to the future. Dwelling in the past, whether success or hurt will keep you nailed in the past. You will never move forward, you will constantly blame others and most importantly you will NEVER heal. When Paul writes in Philippians 3 he is reflecting on all of his grand accomplishments:
"But whatever was to my profit, I now consider it loss
for the sake of Christ.
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to
the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord,
for whose sake I have lost ALL things.
I consider them rubbish (Gk. Manure/dung, rotting food),
that I may gain Christ ....
But I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus
took hold of me.
But one thing I do:
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
(Philippians 3:7-8, 12b, 13b - NIV)
It is interesting that Paul uses a word for dung in referring to his past and present accomplishments. For Paul, his life is consumed in Jesus Christ. We should take comfort in knowing that although this world will beat you down, there is One who will lift you up. Look to the future and for help on its horizon.
Below is Rocky remembering a talk he had with his trainer Mickey. If nothing else -- Listen to the angel on your shoulder,
~ This Song Came on the Radio and it Touched Me. ~
I come in contact with so many people who have been hurt or alienated from a parent, friend or sibling. Often times there can be decades between any type of communication. In my own life, as a survivor of various types of abuse, I close a door in my mind on that person. I guess I got that from my Dad. He was a very "compartmentalized" man. He could seal off emotions, feelings and even memories that he chose to forget. I know now that is probably the worst thing a person can do. We stuff our anger and even hatred so far down inside of us we no longer seem to feel the pain.
That may be true to our conscious mind but it just brews and festers below the surface. We seem fine on the outside, but beneath is festering rot.Then comes a time when you can no longer talk things out. That person is gone and all is left is a nagging sense of shame and guilt for not acting sooner, or if that rot has progressed - you are glad that person has gone.
During these past couple of years it seems that many people I know have died. Maybe it is because I am an old man and my peer group is just getting smaller by attrition. But since I am an old man, I have learned a few things.
There is an interesting story at the beginning of John 8:
John 8:1-11 (MSG)
To Throw The Stone
"Jesus went across to the Mount of Olives, but he was soon back in the Temple again. Swarms of people came to him. He sat down and taught them. The religion scholars and the Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said,
"Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?"
They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring some charges against him.
Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said,
"The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone."
Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt.
Hearing that, they walked away, one after another,
beginning with the oldest.
The woman was left alone.
Jesus stood up and spoke to her,
"Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?"
"No one, Master"
"Neither do I," said Jesus
"Go on your way. From now on, don't sin"
Did you catch those who walked away first? It was the oldest in the crowd. There is something that comes with age - knowing you are not always on the right side. With age, through the lenses of our own personal failures and pain, you realize that life is not as simple as it was in your 20's. In my 20's, 30's and even in my 40's I had all the answers. Now as I approach the sunset of my life, I see the questions I overlooked in my youth.
In my pursuit of the truth I had made the Bible into a rule book that I could use to order my life - and often times, order the lives of others. Now I look at the Bible in its entirety, I see a symphony or a dance that God has created to help us live, love and get along with one another in this world.
I don't know if you noticed they only brought the woman before Jesus. I always thought it took two people to commit adultery. Not to justify adultery, but what were the circumstances? Where was the guy? Was he in the crowd holding a stone? Was she set up to be a pawn? I assume Jesus understood the game that was going on. Many have wondered what he was writing in the dirt, I think he was bored with the entire spectacle and sickened by their religious hypocrisy. I imagine him doodling.
Now back to the topic at hand, Are there people in your life you are angry with? Have you hurt someone? Has someone hurt you? NOW is the time to straighten things out. I have spoken about my Father's abuse of me as a kid. I can also tell you that when my Dad passed away, we were on great terms. It wasn't my great ability to forgive or my compassionate heart. I had been touched by the grace of God. What caused me to do what I did came because I realized how much God had forgiven and accepted me.
My Dad was recovering from prostate surgery. (This is kind of gross) He hadn't had a bowel movement in three days and I was supposed to take him back to the hospital the next day. In the middle of the night the air in our house turned blue as I heard a string of profanity being shouted by my Father. I got up, and let's just say 'The dam broke". He was completely covered with excrement and VERY embarrassed. I pulled him into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I started removing his soiled pajamas, as he kept saying "No! No!" I got him into the shower and cleaned him up. He calmed down and was crying and said,
"After all I have done to you, how can you do this?". I just said, "Because you are my Dad."
From that point on, he was my Dad; we had a good relationship over the next three years until he passed away. I know there must be someone in your life you can reach out to. Whether you were the cause or the recipient - reconciliation is a good thing.
Sarah McLachlan is one of my favorite artists. This song was one of those I felt she was talking to me. If you have ever failed, and Lord knows I have done that in an almost nuclear proportion, this may be a voice calling in the wilderness of your life. I have had many failures in my life.
The line that keeps going through my mind is,
"We believed that we could change ourselves the past could be undone, but we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals. In the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal. The bitter taste of losing everything that I've held so dear"
For me it was I came from an extremely dysfunctional family. My Mother left my Father when I was six weeks old and I was raised by his sister who had been widowed during WWII. In fact, "Babe", finally told me when I was ten that she was actually my aunt. (I always wondered why my Mom & Dad were brother and sister - I didn't grow up on the set of "Deliverance".) My Father was a merchant marine and was gone most of the time I grew up. Where the major dysfunction came into play was that everyone in my family was an alcoholic. My Father, when he came home was physically and sexually abusive to me. I can remember being awoken to him beating me with a belt or his fists and then pleasuring himself at my expense. He was always a very angry man. With Babe, she was usually passed out by the time I got home from school. I would find something to eat and watch TV until the channels signed off. I did hear on some late show this English guy saying that people should read the "Classics", so when the Bookmobile came around I told the travelling librarian I wanted to read them and she started feeding me books. I started then and have read about a book a week since I started.
When the "white flight" occurred in our area of Richmond, our family did not have a ticket to move to the suburbs. So, I grew up as a white kid in an African American area. I did learn to love and appreciate that culture and I also learned how to fight pretty well. It seemed there was always someone wanting to see if I made a wrong turn somewhere and wound up in the wrong neighborhood. This led my life into gangs and a great deal of time interacting with law enforcement. Then at seventeen I became a Christian and was told that everything in my past was forgiven and forgotten.
I went on to become a minister after studying Bible at Abilene Christian University and eventually a Master's from GTU in Berkeley. I had all of the answers to questions nobody asked and became a spiritual leader. Then that line in Sarah's song came back that I believed the past could be undone. Needless to say, after failing in ministry and the end of my second marriage - In the lonely light of morning in the wound that would not heal - I lost my business, wife and two children. I had become a successful business person and now was in a small apartment and in the midst of bankruptcy. Somehow I thought I had overcome the wounds, yet I carried on my back the burden time will always revel.
I was alone. I had no money. None of my friends were around. So I crawled into a cave. I started drinking and would drink until I passed out every night, except on weekends when my kids would visit (I refused to give my kids what I got from my Father). I remember wishing someone would call, but I hadn't made that easy for anyone. I felt a great deal of resentment against people I had helped in my business and soon realized that it was just part of the whole masquerade that I had somehow become this successful and popular person.
Then I met Josephine. She had never heard of me, she had no idea I had been this big shot. She just slowly pulled me from my cave and inspired me to start over again. She was everything I was not. Josephine is a free spirit and I am not. She is spontaneous and I am boring. Above all she is the most compassionate person I have ever met. We have been married for sixteen years and I love her more today than when we first met. She encouraged me to start a new career, to seek out old friends and most importantly - not to give up on God. My kids Sarah and Nathan are the light of my life and I am so happy they love me. Every night I text them a silly picture to let them know I am thinking of them and that I love them.
Now why am I writing this? Well, to let you know I do not know all of the answers to life. In fact, I seem to have more questions about life than I did forty years ago. However, I also know what it is like to lose everything. As I said in a previous blog about the Road We Walk, it is a one way journey. Whatever place you find yourself - you need to keep moving forward. You need to find your North Star and NEVER lose sight of it. In the midst of the pain and the desire not to see or talk to anyone, you have to force yourself to reach out. Facebook has been a great place to at least communicate with people from my past. Some of them I have helped and others I have hurt and let down. Refreshingly, I have found acceptance from both groups.
Sometimes we find ourselves in a situation that is so awful we see no way out. All of those people who I thought didn't care - some were trying to find me, I just had a very deep cave. Ask for help. Find someone or a group of people you can trust. You are not alone. In all of this I can say God did not abandon me, I walked away from Him. Don't wallow in self pity there is no perfect life, just life itself. When I was a kid I would watch "Ozzie and Harriett", "Leave it to Beaver" and "Father Knows Best" - then I would sit and wonder if that was what the "real" world was like -- it isn't. The world is messed up and people are messed up.
You are not alone in this struggle. I hope my words have helped at least someone who can see there is a way out of the darkness.
I thought I would assemble some quotes from Christian thinkers that can help facilitate a discussion of Postmodernism at - http://allachner.com/forum .
"Because we are commanded by God to form and reform culture, Christians have to be actively engaged with culture: studying it, discerning positive and negative aspects, and working to redeem it. We are to be in the world but not of it, working to restrain evil and advance redemptive potentials. We are called to be salt in the world, working to enrich culture and preserve life-affirming aspects. We are also called to be a light to show the way for cultural development, uncovering and disentangling forces for good and evil, and redirecting unhealthy or destructive patterns toward principles in line with loving god and serving our neighbor. And the culture we are called to form and reform, to move toward redemption, includes even popular culture." William Romanowski
"Each generation of the church in each setting has the responsibility of communicating the gospel in understandable terms, considering the language and thought-forms of that setting." Francis Schaeffer
"Traditional Christian teaching has been otherworldly in its emphasis. It has had more to say about how to accept failure than about how to succeed, more about suffering than about action. Theology has been the preserve of those who minister as priests and pastors to the inner spiritual life of their people. Consequently, when theologians whose whole work is in this pastoral ministry try to speak about matters of politics and economics, their words do not carry weight." Lesslie Newbigin
In 1968 Francis Schaffer wrote these words. They are strangely prophetic:
The God Who Is There
"Men are facing a society without structure and they want to fill the void that has appeared. For a long time Reformation ideas formed the basis of North European culture, and this extended to include that of America and English-speaking Canada, etc. But today that has been destroyed by the relativism both inside [82] and outside the churches. Hence historic Christianity is now a minority group....
"Society cannot function without form and motivation. As the old sociological forms have been swept away, new ones must be found or society breaks down altogether. Sir Julian Huxley has stepped in at this point with his suggestion that religion has a real place in modern society. But, he would contend, it must be understood that religion is always evolving and that it needs to come under the control of society.
"This suggestion is not as ridiculous as it sounds, even coming from a convinced humanist, if one understands the mentality of our age. The prevailing dialectical methodology fits itself easily into religious forms.... "Teilhard de Chardin... illustrates that the progressive Roman Catholic theologians are further away from historic Reformation Christianity than classical Roman Catholicism, because they are alsodialectical thinkers.
"The orthodox Roman Catholic would tell me that I am bound for hell because I reject the true Church. He is dealing with a concept of absolute truth. But the new Roman Catholic who sits at my fireside says, ‘You are all right, Dr. Schaeffer, because you are so sincere.’ In the new Roman Catholicism such a statement usually means that the dialectical method has taken over.
Therefore we are not surprised to find that ... others such as Hans KUng have been strongly influenced by neo-orthodoxy. It is important to note that the position on Scripture by the Vatican Council has shifted in the same-direction and men such as Raymond Panikkar, Dom Bede Griffiths[close friend of C. S. Lewis]... are proclaiming a synthesis between Roman Catholicism and Hinduism." 83
"The time, therefore, does seem right for this new theology to give the needed sociological forms and motivations. It is true, of course, that society could look elsewhere amongst the secular mysticisms for a new evolving religion, but the new theology has some strong advantages. "Firstly, the undefined connotation words that they are using are deeply rooted in our Western culture. This is much easier and more powerful than using new and untraditional words. "Secondly, these men control almost every large denomination in Protestantism.... This gives them the advantage of functioning within the organisational stream of the Church, and thus both its organisation and linguistic continuity is at their disposal. "Thirdly, people in our culture in general are already in process of being accustomed to accept non-defined, contentless religious words and symbols, without any rational or historical control. Such words and symbols are ready to be filled with the content of the moment. The words ‘Jesus’ or ‘Christ’ are the most ready for the manipulator. The phrase ‘Jesus Christ’ has become a contentless banner which can be carried in any direction for sociological purposes.
"...because the phrase ‘Jesus Christ’ has been separated from true history and the content of Scripture, it can be used to trigger religiously motivated sociological actions directly contrary to the teaching of Christ.... It is against such manipulated semantic mysticism that we do very well to prepare ourselves, our children and our spiritual children." 84
~This week's blog is a bit different. I am not offering advice, but seeking advice.~
I have often compared life to a journey down a road. It is a one way road and we come to various forks -- these are choices we make. Down this road I have made numerous choices over six decades. Some were good and wise, others were bad and stupid. I have walked with God and I have walked away from God. By His grace, I am back walking with him.
Last summer I started writing this blog to share my failures and successes in an attempt to be a Help in Time of Need. So far, I have had over 15,000 hits on my page from 6 continents and from countries I couldn't pick out on a map. I have corresponded with numerous readers and I hope I was of some help. I also just launched a webpage at, http://www.allachner.com . I still hope I can be of help to people who are hurting.
I have now come to a fork in the road. I have a good job, in this economy that is a blessing, yet I am drawn to be more involved in ministry. I would like to be able to teach, preach and listen to people on a daily basis. I am thankful to have an advanced degree in Theology, yet I work as a telecommunications engineer. I guess I am looking for a church or para-church organization that would want to reach out to the people who have left God or never have known God. An accepting body of believers that would allow me to minister from a position of brokenness and reconciliation.
I will turn 60 in October, so my long term goals have become somewhat short term goals. Even though I love my job, I would like to know I did more than save people 50% on their phone bill.I am not asking for a job, but advice. Maybe this Internet thing is where God wants me, I don't know. I would just like some advice.
~I Invite You to Listen to This Song Before Reading Below~
Broken or brokenness is an interesting concept.
It has two distinct aspects that are really intertwined and I hope to explain these in this week's blog.
Stick with me on this one.
Not far from my home there is an adoption center for wild horses. When someone adopts a wild horse, if they plan to ride it, it has to be broken. The military has a process called "Boot Camp", it's primary purpose is to break and rebuild new recruits. In the new "politically correct" version of boot camp, they have removed "break" from the vocabulary. However, both of these instances accomplish the same objective. They remove a previous behavior, or group of behaviors, and replace it/them with new behaviors. For the horse, it learns to channel its energy and power to be controlled by the owner, (sorry P.E.T.A.). In the military, it instills the need to work as a team or a unit. Isn't it interesting that the Army recently changed the recruiting ads to "An Army of One"?
As Americans, we have a problem with the this aspect of brokenness. We live in a culture that has become more and more selfish. We disguise this selfishness into "rugged individualism". Burger King says, "Have It Your Way." We want everything on our terms, built around a construct of our own selfish mold. If our needs aren't being met, we quit. We quit relationships, marriages, families, jobs, organizations, schools and whatever else does not meet our needs. The new motto for our culture should be "My Way or the Highway".
This idea has caused us to view everything in our lives with an underlying, "What's in it for me?" attitude. When we are faced with the teachings of Jesus, our culture is in diametric opposition to his world view. In Matthew 5, he says, "Blessed are the meek...". This word meek - prauscan also be translated as humble, gentile, open and receptive. Interestingly enough, the etymology of this word is associated with a horse that is under control - broken. The concept of dying to yourself is consistent throughout the New Testament. Jesus does not ask us to be selfish materialistic consumers trying to live in the upper echelons of society. He actually calls us to be selfless and to serve society. Paul sums up this attitude in Philippians 2, again from The Message a translation by Eugene Petersen:
"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ,
if his love has made a difference in your life,
if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you,
if you have a heart, if you CARE -- then do me a favor:
Agree with each other,
love each other,
be deep-spirited friends.
Don't push your way to the front,
Don't sweet-talk your way to the top.
Put yourselves aside, and help others get ahead.
Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage.
Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself.
He had equal status with God but did not think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what.
Not at all.
When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity
and took the status of a slave, became human!
Having become human, he stayed human.
It was an incredibly humbling process.
He didn't claim special privileges.
Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and
then died a selfless, obedient death
-- and the worst kind of death at that -- a crucifixion"
(Philippians 2: 1-8)
That is the first kind of brokenness. It is a brokenness from our selfish, American -- What's in it for me? -- attitude. The second type of brokenness has probably been felt by more of us than the previous.
I have spoken a great deal about the brokenness I have endured in my life. It is a shattering of what you believed, hoped and dreamed about your life. Everything is torn away from you and your life is laid bare. You see no way out. You can't trust anyone. You come to the realization that the deck life has dealt you, is stacked against you. Maybe a relationship has evaporated before your eyes. Maybe a group of people you trusted has betrayed your trust. Maybe death has come and took away a person you loved, and all you hear are pious platitudes. People have shared their stories with me. They have been stories of such intense pain, I wonder how they survived.
What I have learned through my life is surviving the second aspect of brokenness is dependent of the first aspect. Much of the time I spent in brokenness was spent in self pity. Instead of "What's in it for me?" it became, "Why is this happening to me?". The commonality in those two statements is "me". Yes, I have been in pain, I have experienced the end of relationships, I have experienced death of a loved one -- BUT, NEWS FLASH!--so has everyone else on this planet. My mistake in dealing with my brokenness was continuing to focus on MY brokenness. Even with all of the lip service to sacrifice and selflessness, I was still egocentric. I was still thinking about only me. My way out was to surrender to my pain and realize it was another step in my life. We are molded and perfected through the difficulties was are enduring. What I have found is that if I attempt to help others, my issues fade in comparison.
I in no way want to diminish the pain and hurt you may be experiencing, but if you will look past yourself, you may find healing.
~ This is one of the most moving songs I have ever heard. ~
I heard of yet another death this week, not a relative but a co-worker's family member. 2011 was a tough year for death in our family. I am at that age where I seem to know more people who are passing away than are getting married or having babies. I was talking with my son, Nathan, about this and told him,
"When you have more days behind you than in front of you,
you seem to reevaluate life."
So, as I sit and look at life I realize that hurt and pain comes in many forms. We do feel the sting when someone we love passes. We attempt to reassemble our lives and go on. If we are people of faith, we know that this life is temporary and a greater life awaits us on the other side of death.
However, in many ways that is a pain that fades over time. When we are hurt by a person or an institution, we are left with not only hurt but a gaping hole in our ability to trust. We are hesitant to trust people around us.
I know people who had some sort of conflict with someone years or even decades ago. Even after all this time they still carry within themselves the pain as if it were still happening. All it takes to bring it to the surface is a random memory or some other trigger. When at the surface, it is as though it was happening all over again. Military families see something similar to this when a loved one comes home from a war zone. Psychologists call this Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome or PTSD. Many people today are still wounded by some pain or hurt and are haunted by a form of PTSD.
Over my life I have had my share of hurt and pain, in my humble opinion, more than my fair share. I was trapped in the ever spiraling descent into hatred. When I heard that something horrible had happened to one of the people who hurt me - I was glad. Then, I heard the person who had hurt me more deeply than words can describe was diagnosed with ALS. Surprisingly, I was not glad, I started crying. I made the call to my ex-wife and apologized for anything I had done to hurt her and she did the same. I truly believe God touched my heart. All of the bitterness and hatred for her was gone. Along with her husband and our two children I spent much of late 2010 and early 2011 at her bedside. When she passed away in May of 2011, her husband and I sat on each side of her deathbed holding one of her hands. Since that time I have tried to rebuild relationships that were broken. Was the hatred worth it? - NO!
This carried over to me attempting to heal relationships that I had caused the hurt. Again, to my surprise, I found that to be the more difficult. When you have hurt someone, going to them and asking for their forgiveness is a difficult task. My tongue is a very effective weapon. I have used words as weapons for years. I was always very good at removing the issue from the argument turning it into a personal attack on the person with whom I was arguing.
I remember the old preacher story about the farmer, Josephine shared it with me this morning.
There once was a boy who had a bad temper.
His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he
lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy has driven 37 nails into the fence,
Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger,
the number of nails he used began to dwindle down.
He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive
the nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the
boy did not lose his temper at all. He told his father about it, and
the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each
day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father
that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand
and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well my son,
but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same.
When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It will not matter how
many times you say you are sorry, the wound is still there."
A verbal wound can, more often than not,
cut deeper than a physical wound.
I truly believe that the only way a person can be healed from these wounds is by the touch of God. Jesus continually told his disciples to forgive as God has forgiven you. In Jeremiah 31:34b, Yahweh says,
"For I will forgive their wickedness
and remember their sins no more"
I can still remember things that have hurt me, but the pain is gone. It is over, it was in the past and I know it is over. I don't have to relive that pain over and over again - that is gone. Yes, the wounds are still there, but they are just scars that have helped to shape me into the person I am today.
I am reminded of King David. He saw a man's wife bathing and sent for her. Being the King, he could have anything he wanted. He committed adultery with her, plotted her husband's death and eventually married her. As he was convicted of his sin by the Prophet Nathan, he wrote the 51st Psalm. You might read it. I am particularly moved by verse 4.
"Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight"
Ask God to help you forgive. Ask God to help you to seek the forgiveness of those you have hurt. God knows you better than you know yourself and he knows that this kind of pain and hurt destroys people on both sides of this equation.
Peace,
~Al
Below is a song made famous by Leonard Cohen. Listen to the words about David.
I am available to speak at churches and groups, I can be contacted at al.lachner@gmail.com
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