A beautiful prayer that comes from a heart with groaning too deep for words.
To recognize the darkness that is eclipsing my life,
to pray for the light of the Father to dawn again.
To feel weakness that robs even my body from endurance,
to pray that El Shaddai will renew my strength.
To feel the brokenness that reaches to the very marrow of my bones,
to pray that the Comforter will reconstruct what has been broken.
To see and feel the bruises that have been left on my soul,
to pray that the Great Physician will restore my heart.
To be so sick at heart that life has lost meaning,
to pray the the Father of Mercies will be the light at the end of this long and dismal tunnel.
That He will give strength to my weariness,
replace my weakness with power.
That He will empower me to soar on wings like eagles;
to run and not grow weary and to walk and not faint.
A simple posting on Facebook that spoke volumes to my torn heart. I have touched the bottom and it is sound. He has not abandoned me to yet another wasteland.
(I have had quite a few emails and conversations asking me to start writing again. I have been in a rough place, and quite frankly, I haven't had the emotional bandwidth. That being said, today is Easter Sunday - a time for new beginnings and resurrection - so here goes.)
As many of you know, my wife Josephine left in mid-December. I still have no idea where she is or if she is alright. Since that time I have been struggling with depression and loneliness. My faith is strong and thanks to three groups of people, the Foothills Church of Christ here in Reno and the Tammany Oaks Church of Christ in Mandeville, LA - and my wonderful kids Sarah and Nathan - I KNOW I am loved.
The reason I am writing today, rather than being in a fetal position on my bed, is that I know there are others in the same pain.
For nineteen years I have stood side-by-side with Josephine. I helped her get her B.S. and MSW. Stood by her through various troubles that came our way. I have always been the supportive and loving husband I thought I could be. Then - Whoosh! - My entire life was uprooted and I was life feeling like the words of this song:
"Well is they say that love in in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side"
Yes, I spend a great deal of wondering why. All self justification aside, I still do not have an answer to that question. Intellectually, I know I will get through this, but it is the emotional side of me that is a train wreck. Mainly because I do not know where I am going or what I am supposed to do. All I have left is to throw myself at the feet of a compassionate God and ask for His grace in my time of need.
I wish there was some easy 1,2,3 formula to get through this but there isn't. (I will try one a bit later) Sometimes I think suffering is just that, suffering. Many of us are willing to concede that we have had enough, yet it keeps on coming. The words in that little picture are very true and not some pie-in-the-sky psychobabble. I am a stronger man because of the things I have faced in my life. In reality, I am thankful for every scar that is on my heart because each one shows a time I had to place my faith in the God of the universe. Yes, even He wants me to be whole.
In Psalm 34:17-20 Eugene Peterson translates it this way in The Message.
"Is anyone crying for help?
God is listening, ready to rescue you.
If your heart is broken,
you'll find God right there;
if you're kicked in the gut,
he'll help you catch your breath.
Disciples so often get in trouble;
still, God is there every time.
He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone;
not even a finger gets broken."
For a person who does not share my faith - those words are nonsense. To me they are a promise from a Father that always keeps His promises. No matter how bad this whole thing gets, I know He is There and Not Silent.
Since I am still in the midst of this cyclone all I can do is give some advice. It may change after I either land in Kansas or Oz, but here goes:
Cling to your faith.
Find a loving body of fellow believers. (This can be tricky. Make sure they understand that we all suffer and want to help you. Avoid legalistic and judgmental people - they always want to assign blame).
Get out of the house.
Cling to your faith.
Let's see how this goes as I continue my journey. Below is wonderful song be Johnny Cash that ,might help.
~In December of 2013 my wife, Josephine, went off of her medication and suffered from an apparent psychotic break.
After sending out horrible emails about me and other hurtful things --
She Left.
I have no idea where she is or even if she is still alive.
The pain I have suffered has been horrendous.
I am writing this because I want to get out what is bottled up inside of me.
The song below is one of the most beautiful songs I have heard.
It also communicates where my heart is right now.~
As a person who was abandoned by my mother at six weeks of age, abandonment is a very fearful thing for me. As I sit in this house alone I constantly see things that remind me of Josephine. After almost twenty years of sharing, defending and loving a person -- the silence is deafening. My children are now adults and I am just an old man who is left with memories. I guess I am sharing this because I want you to know that I am a broken person, as are you. Just because I am a person who is seen as a person with answers, doesn't mean I do not experience the pain that others do.
What I will say is I have heard a phrase over and over from people,
"God will not allow you to face more than you can handle."
I thought I would take a minute and explain where that quote has its origins and why it is not true. This is a misquotation of 1 Corinthians 10:13, which actually says:
"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,
but with the temptation he will also provide
the way to escape,
that you may be able to endure it." (ESV)
Now, not to be cruel to people who are trying to help and are at a loss for words, this passage is talking about temptation not when your whole world collapses around you. It also makes the person who is suffering want to say,
"I am at my wits end and I really cannot endure this. Why is God punishing me?"
I believe another passage is helpful, at least it is to me. Jesus knew we would be faced with troubles. The Christians of the first century faced persecution so intense that it would often cost them their lives. He knew that in this world we would face troubles. Often times, they are more than we can bear. So, during this time in my life, I have found my faith increased and my prayer life energized. I know this is more than I can handle! I throw myself on the faith and mercy of Jesus. His words are here to be a source of comfort.
"Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you,
and learn from me,
for I am gentile and lowly in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light"
(Matthew 11:28-30 - ESV)
I am not trying to give you a pie-in-the-sky response to suffering. I am saying, that for me, the only place I have left to turn is my faith in Jesus Christ.
I have no idea where this path will lead, but I do know who is with me.
~ Please Listen to This Song. There Too Many People Who Only See This as an Option~
As many of you know, I have been preaching on a fairly regular basis (not as regularly as I would like) at the Tammany Oaks Church of Christ in Mandeville, LA. In a discussion with one of the elders, he commented that people who I have met that were not church people -- liked me. I asked him how he felt about that. His response, laughingly (He was kidding), was he was concerned about that. So I said, those were the people Jesus spent his time with. In fact, if you were to make two columns; on one side Jesus's interaction with "those people" and the second, the Religious establishment's response to Jesus' actions or comments. Which column best describes most of our churches? Aside from the legalism and self-righteousness of the Pharisees and Priests -- they couldn't speak the language of broken people.
I was raised in an alcoholic home, that has its own baggage. One of my earliest memories was my Dad taking me out. He said it was a surprise, it was - a bar. I remember I was little and he was going to let me play pool. That translated into him putting a coin in the pool table and putting the balls on top. He then lifted my up and I spent a long time rolling the balls around and he would resupply the table with coins. All the time I was playing he was getting shovel-faced at the bar. I remember growing up with my "Mom" passed out and me heating a TV Dinner and watching TV until the channels signed off, (Yes, they used to do that). I grew up on the streets around gang members, bikers, druggies, winos and just the general throw aways from our society.
So, when I became a Christian, a great deal of that baggage came with me. I tried my best to fit in. I would overhear the other young people, in the youth group, talking about going out for pizza, I would not get the invitation. So, I would just show up and act surprised. I had to FIGHT my way into our youth group. I knew I wasn't like them and they knew it too. I had been a violent teen and we didn't speak the same language. They had what I called, "Leave it to Beaver Homes". ( I had no idea of the dysfunction and family "secrets" that even plague those homes). I had no idea what it was like to come from a normal home. As a Christian, I failed over and over in ministry and with my family. It wasn't until I met a man named Lynn Anderson who taught me about the grace of God. Even through my failures, he was still there. He said I reminded him of King David. David messed up royally (really bad pun) but he "had a heart after God's own heart".
So now back to my affinity for the brokenness Matthew writes these words about Jesus:
"When he saw the crowds,
he had compassion for them,
because they were harassed and helpless,
like sheep without a shepherd."
(Matthew 9:36 - ESV)
I guess I understand why non-believers view Christians as having nothing to offer them. When I am talking to a person who does not share my faith -- I listen. I listen to their story and I listen to their happiness and pain. I have NO judgment in my heart toward them. For many, having a group of people who will love and accept them is all they want. That is why so many just hang out in bars. Remember the line in the theme song from the sitcom Cheers?
"Making your way in the world today
takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries,
sure would help a lot
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same.
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.
You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same.
You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
That is the lie of bars, they just continue to equip people's addictions and they fall further and further into darkness. One the other hand, if I can persuade them to come to a group, class, meal or assembly - I pray they will feel accepted. If they stick around they will have questions about Jesus. Then it is time to share his grace with them. Too many Christians want to start right in quoting Scripture, most broken people are not ready for that -- it is a foreign language to them. They really are looking for belonging. If we can just love these people and be there to listen and allow God to open their hearts, they will follow Jesus. I think, since I have had so many personal failures in my own life, and being a broken person, I am a little bit more patient with people coming to faith. This is the start to fixing our churches.
Please pray daily for those you may know who do not know the Lord.
It has been one year to the day of, my ex-wife, Angela's passing. One year ago I was sitting across the bed from Curtis, Angela's husband. We were both holding one of her hands as she passed away from this world. Angela gave a valiant fight against an unstoppable foe - ALS. Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis or "Lou Gehrig's Disease" it takes no prisoners.
If there ever was a disease to cause me to doubt my faith in God, it would be ALS. With the brain fully functioning, your body starts to fail one part at a grueling time. You can no longer talk, walk, swallow, use your hands and breathing becomes more of a problem. What you can look forward to is to suffocate in your own fluids and mucous. All the time with a fully functional brain, knowing exactly what is happening.
While Curtis and I were there at the house, Sarah and Nathan had gone to a cafe. (I asked them to do that so they wouldn't have to watch their Mom pass away. They left when she fell asleep.) After that draining experience, I had to drive over to meet Sarah and Nathan -- I had no idea what I was going to say.
Sarah was 23 and Nathan was 18, their Mom was dead and the remnant of our family is small. Over the past year I have watched how each one has grieved. Sarah was very expressive in her grief and to this day has a vacancy in her heart. Nathan expressed his grief in stoicism and an impenetrable wall of silence. They, like all of us, handle these things differently and each has the same amount of hurt and pain. I have done my best to let them both know they are valued and loved.
Angela would be very proud of how they have each grown into young adults. Sarah, now 24, lives in Oregon and is currently studying nursing with an eye toward Naturopathic Medicine. Music is her true love and I believe her cathartic release. She has grown into a warm, compassionate, intelligent beautiful woman.
Nathan, will be 20 in June, he inherited my twisted sense of humor. He just finished his first year at UNR, studying Psychology. He is a bookworm and loves StarCraft and Diablo 3. He is also gifted musically and often is up late at night writing music on his computer. He is bright and has a wonderful sense of humor.
Both Sarah and Nathan have turned out well. This is a tough time for them and they could use your prayers.
So now after a year, I pause to reflect on how Angela's passing has affected me.
It was an ugly divorce with fault on each side, yet, in spite of all of the pain we caused each other - forgiveness felt much better than the hate.
Sarah and Nathan, seeing that Angela and I could forgive each other was a good thing to see.
Curtis' and Josephine's understanding and inner strength was good to see. As the current spouses neither were threatened by the fact that Angela and I no longer clung to anger.
Shortly after Angela's death I started writing this blog to express a great deal of feelings I had buried much too long.
2011 was a horrible year. Shortly after Angela's passing Josephine went to Ireland to experience the loss of multiple uncles her Dad and her Sister.
The song below was played at Angela's Memorial Service. The words express, better than I can, how I feel and I am sure Angela is feeling right now.
STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW! PAUSE, BE STILL AND LISTEN.
For those of us in the West, that is a difficult task. Listening has become a lost art in our culture. We are constantly bombarded by noise and distractions. We have radios, TV's, the Internet, cell phones, email, texts and relationships. The closest we often come to listening to someone is when they are talking, and we are thinking of what we are going to say. We are so consumed by what is happening around us that we often miss what is going on around us. Their is an old adage, "God gave you two ears and one mouth - use them proportionally".
Back during the days of the Marriage Enrichment Seminars, they would have couples write out their feelings to each other. The reason behind this exercise was to allow a person to completely express their feelings without interruption. As you would read what was being said to you, in a separate room, you were not allowed to stop and get defensive, argue or roll your eyes. It was a method of getting people to listen to what the other person was trying to communicate with you. Many people came away from this experience, even after decades of marriage, saying, "I had no idea you felt that way".
My guess is that if we could stop and listen, we would realize how much we are missing. Those who know me, know I am actually an introvert. When I am in front of a crowd I am animated and very extroverted, yet I am a very solitary person. In groups I will often sit back, listen and watch. Coming from such an abusive family, I learned very early how to read emotions in people. Those who survived those environments picked that skill up early in life. I have come to realize that, for the most part, people are more concerned with talking and getting their point across than hearing what another person has to say. This is destroying marriages, relationships with parents and children, relationships in general, work conditions and even countries. We just don't listen anymore!
It also affects us as individuals. We have so much going on that we are often stressed out of our minds. As I said earlier, we are bombarded. There is no "off" switch to stop the noise. When people are talking with us, we have trouble staying focused. Our minds are filled with politics, taxes, house payments, wars and rumors of wars. The video above was put together for the people of Haiti that was devastated by one of the largest earthquakes ever recorded. We heard the headline, but it was drowned out by the hundreds or thousands of other things bombarding our minds. In the midst of all of this clutter, we may have missed our spouse trying to express the pain they are feeling. We may have missed a child saying they wished you could be around more. Maybe we missed the still quiet voice of God asking us to slow down.
I know that suggesting another thing be added to your schedule is insane. I would suggest that you try at least one or two of the following:
Set aside a few minutes each day for quiet.
When talking with another person, actually listen to what they are saying. Don't be thinking of what your are going to say back to them.
Take a step back from Social Media. No one cares if you post "like" to a comment.
If you have kids, listen to them. Ask them how they are feeling.
Try an not get sucked into our consumer driven society - be thankful for what you already have.
Actually spend time talking and listening to that significant person in your life.
You don't have to be an authority on every current event happening on the planet.
~A Thought Provoking Spoken Word. You May Agree or Disagree
- But Don't Forget to Think.~
I am aware there will be many who will pick apart what this young man has to say, but he is summarizing what a generation is thinking and asking. (Please read my earlier blog - Losing My Religion.) Newsweek had this cover for their "Easter Issue". When I saw the topic, I must admit I expected another attack on Christianity. However, when I read the article by Andrew Sullivan, I found it thought provoking and worth some time thinking about what he wrote.
The article was entitled, Christianity in Crisis with this being the sub-headline: "Christianity has been destroyed by politics, priests and get-rich evangelists. Ignore them, writes Andrew Sullivan, and embrace Him,(Jesus)"
Andrew starts by referencing Thomas Jefferson's Bible. For those not familiar with it, Jefferson painstakingly cut out what he interpreted as the actual teachings of Jesus Christ. He then took those sections and assembled them into a smaller, different New Testament. He removed what he considered to be misconceptions of the teachings of Jesus. He referred to them as the diamonds in a dunghill. He referred to those diamonds as:
"the most sublime and benevolent code of morals
which has ever been offered to man."
I am currently reading Simply Jesus: A New Vision of Who He Was, What He Did and Why It Matters, by N.T. Wright. N.T. (Ted) Wright is an Anglican Bishop and professor of Theology. He believes we have completely missed the message of Jesus. I would highly recommend you take a look at his book. (I put a link at the bottom so you can find it)
There is a crisis hitting Christianity. As I said in the earlier blog referenced, we are losing our kids. We are losing them to "Spirituality" - that may sound good, but it is dangerous. While many are dropping faith to embrace a rational and scientific based atheism or agnosticism, others are looking to multiple disciplines of spirituality. Many have been drawn to Eastern teachings like Buddhism, Taoism, Yoga and others. Some are exploring Native American teachings and others the New Age. Jesus is seen as just one of a large group of enlightened teachers.
One of the interesting aspects of this shift is that it is not congruent. Many of these disciplines actually conflict with the others. Yet, it appears to have become a spiritual smorgasbord; you pick what feels right, or resonates, and ignore the parts you don't like. The apparent contradictions don't matter, if it feels right - go for it.
Now on the other hand we see the church. Wracked with clergy hypocrisy, priests abusing children and then hidden by the Catholic Church. Then there are the get-rich-televangelists; preaching to their flocks God will reward them if they can donate them them. Reports of huge mansions, private jets, fleets of limos and millions of dollars - not to the flock but to the pitch person who seems to be the only one prospering.
So is the church evil? Not necessarily. A few hundred years after the death of Jesus the church had a paradigm shift -- It became a political power. It is still a political power. With our election drawing near, we have contraception being discussed by Republicans. We even have the President quoting Jesus to justify his healthcare program. Churches and Christian para-church organizations are funding Super-Pacts to support various politicians.
Jesus was apolitical. He called on his followers to give up power over others. Having that power will eventually lead to the use of violence, and we have all seen how well religion and violence has worked out. Look at Jesus' final apolitical act:
Jesus did not defend his innocence at trial.
Jesus never resisted his crucifixion.
Jesus turned to the men nailing him to the cross and forgave and loved them.
Jesus came preaching the Kingdom of God. The Kingdom of God is made up of people who have surrendered to the will of God and have asked Him the reign in their hearts. Maybe, if we would focus on the Kingdom rather than man-made buildings and corporate structures. If we truly decided to read what Jesus preached and lived it -- we wouldn't be losing our kids. The Kingdom says to love one another and even love your enemies. It calls us to forgive those who harm you. It calls us to find the best in people. It is the reign of God in your heart -- Yes, THE KINGDOM OF GOD IS WITHIN YOU! This is where N.T. Wright's book comes into play.
The purpose of the church was to have a group to encourage each other to have that kind of heart. Let us lay aside the bickering over doctrine, the gossiping and maligning of others and religious elitism.
Let's Pray That God is at the Center of our Hearts
~Please Listen to This Newer Version of the Song Amazing Grace~ This was the song at Angela's memorial service.
[There was no blog last week. I have been working on my website - www.allachner.com . It still has a bit of work to do but it progressing. I also added a Facebook page at www.facebook.com/Lachner.Al . I hope we can have discussions through these two pages. You will be able to jump back and forth between here and these two pages]
"For we too were once foolish, disobedient, misled,
enslaved to various passions and desires,
spending our lives in evil and envy, hateful and hating one another.
But when the kindness of God our Savior and his
love for us dawned upon this world,
he saved us not by works of righteousness that we have done
but on the basis of his mercy,
through the washing of rebirth and the renewing of the Holy Spirit,
whom he poured out on us in full measure
through Jesus Christ our Savior.
And so, since we have been justified by his grace,
we become heirs with confident expectation of eternal life."
(Titus 3:3-7 The New English Bible)
When the Golden Gate bridge was constructed from 1933-1937, it was an engineering marvel. It spanned the 1.7 mile opening connecting the Pacific Ocean to San Francisco Bay. During the beginning stages of the construction eleven men fell to their death, while working on the bridge. This caused a slow down in work, because the workers were in constant fear of falling. Eventually, a net was placed under the bridge which saved the lives of 19 men. They became part of the group, self-titled, "The Halfway to Hell Club". Aside from saving 19 lives it took away much of the fear that was plaguing the workers, causing the work to speed up. I find a great deal of similarities between this story and the plight of many people today who profess a Christian faith. The Church has not done much to dissuade the fear and guilt many Christians face on a daily basis. Many churches and preachers use guilt to motivate and to some extent control those in their flocks. I talk to a great many people who are miserable in their Christian faith. They are constantly wondering if the are doing enough or doing the wrong things; with the constant fear of eternal torment in the back of their minds.
This is the antithesis of how the New Testament describes Christianity. There is a net! The passage above says we were not saved by how good we are. In fact, it states the opposite. The language that is used says God saved us, we do not save ourselves. As we accept by faith that Jesus was and is the atonement for our sins and failures, we experience the grace of God. The word for Grace in Greek is Chiros or "gift". A gift is not earned, it is given. The response to a gift is thankfulness and gratitude, not guilt. Paul says in Romans 3, "Blessed is the man whom the Lord will never count his sin against him". John says in 1 John 1:7, "If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, the blood of Jesus his son (continually - present indicative active in Greek) washes away our sins." In the context of 1 John, "Walking in the light" is defined by loving your brothers and sister in Christ, (see 1 John 2:9-12.) Notice this is not an arbitrary list of do's and don't from some power hungry preacher. Ultimately, it does not come down to how many times you attended church or that you don't smoke , drink or chew or go with those who do. It is based on how you treat people.
Many churches are filled with people who have never missed a Sunday yet they are some of the most judgmental and mean people you will ever meet. They determine if people are dressed correctly, if they have the "truth" or if they are living up to some moral code they have concocted. Often their lives are consumed with gossip and using the failures of others to justify their own religious standing.
Whenever grace is brought up, James 2 comes into the discussion. James 2 talks about the need for works. That if our faith does not include works of righteousness, we have missed the mark. If you read the entire book of James, he is saying that there should be a response of gratitude by placing your faith in the grace of God. This passage is not yanking the net from under you, rather it is saying that if you have faith, you will treat people differently. Not for what you can get out of them but what you can do for them. Peter says, "We are free in Christ but do not use your freedom as a license for evil". Grace is not a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. Again it is gratitude. It is a change from the inside out. Because we have experienced unconditional love and acceptance, we feel urged to share that kind of love with those around us.
So this week, reach out to some people you may have alienated. Show grace to them. It is a good time to heal old wounds.
~I Invite You to Listen to This Song Before Reading Below~
Broken or brokenness is an interesting concept.
It has two distinct aspects that are really intertwined and I hope to explain these in this week's blog.
Stick with me on this one.
Not far from my home there is an adoption center for wild horses. When someone adopts a wild horse, if they plan to ride it, it has to be broken. The military has a process called "Boot Camp", it's primary purpose is to break and rebuild new recruits. In the new "politically correct" version of boot camp, they have removed "break" from the vocabulary. However, both of these instances accomplish the same objective. They remove a previous behavior, or group of behaviors, and replace it/them with new behaviors. For the horse, it learns to channel its energy and power to be controlled by the owner, (sorry P.E.T.A.). In the military, it instills the need to work as a team or a unit. Isn't it interesting that the Army recently changed the recruiting ads to "An Army of One"?
As Americans, we have a problem with the this aspect of brokenness. We live in a culture that has become more and more selfish. We disguise this selfishness into "rugged individualism". Burger King says, "Have It Your Way." We want everything on our terms, built around a construct of our own selfish mold. If our needs aren't being met, we quit. We quit relationships, marriages, families, jobs, organizations, schools and whatever else does not meet our needs. The new motto for our culture should be "My Way or the Highway".
This idea has caused us to view everything in our lives with an underlying, "What's in it for me?" attitude. When we are faced with the teachings of Jesus, our culture is in diametric opposition to his world view. In Matthew 5, he says, "Blessed are the meek...". This word meek - prauscan also be translated as humble, gentile, open and receptive. Interestingly enough, the etymology of this word is associated with a horse that is under control - broken. The concept of dying to yourself is consistent throughout the New Testament. Jesus does not ask us to be selfish materialistic consumers trying to live in the upper echelons of society. He actually calls us to be selfless and to serve society. Paul sums up this attitude in Philippians 2, again from The Message a translation by Eugene Petersen:
"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ,
if his love has made a difference in your life,
if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you,
if you have a heart, if you CARE -- then do me a favor:
Agree with each other,
love each other,
be deep-spirited friends.
Don't push your way to the front,
Don't sweet-talk your way to the top.
Put yourselves aside, and help others get ahead.
Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage.
Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself.
He had equal status with God but did not think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what.
Not at all.
When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity
and took the status of a slave, became human!
Having become human, he stayed human.
It was an incredibly humbling process.
He didn't claim special privileges.
Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and
then died a selfless, obedient death
-- and the worst kind of death at that -- a crucifixion"
(Philippians 2: 1-8)
That is the first kind of brokenness. It is a brokenness from our selfish, American -- What's in it for me? -- attitude. The second type of brokenness has probably been felt by more of us than the previous.
I have spoken a great deal about the brokenness I have endured in my life. It is a shattering of what you believed, hoped and dreamed about your life. Everything is torn away from you and your life is laid bare. You see no way out. You can't trust anyone. You come to the realization that the deck life has dealt you, is stacked against you. Maybe a relationship has evaporated before your eyes. Maybe a group of people you trusted has betrayed your trust. Maybe death has come and took away a person you loved, and all you hear are pious platitudes. People have shared their stories with me. They have been stories of such intense pain, I wonder how they survived.
What I have learned through my life is surviving the second aspect of brokenness is dependent of the first aspect. Much of the time I spent in brokenness was spent in self pity. Instead of "What's in it for me?" it became, "Why is this happening to me?". The commonality in those two statements is "me". Yes, I have been in pain, I have experienced the end of relationships, I have experienced death of a loved one -- BUT, NEWS FLASH!--so has everyone else on this planet. My mistake in dealing with my brokenness was continuing to focus on MY brokenness. Even with all of the lip service to sacrifice and selflessness, I was still egocentric. I was still thinking about only me. My way out was to surrender to my pain and realize it was another step in my life. We are molded and perfected through the difficulties was are enduring. What I have found is that if I attempt to help others, my issues fade in comparison.
I in no way want to diminish the pain and hurt you may be experiencing, but if you will look past yourself, you may find healing.
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