ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE

(I have had quite a few emails and conversations asking me to start writing again. I have been in a rough place, and quite frankly, I haven't had the emotional bandwidth. That being said, today is Easter Sunday - a time for new beginnings and resurrection - so here goes.)

As many of you know, my wife Josephine left in mid-December. I still have no idea where she is or if she is alright. Since that time I have been struggling with depression and loneliness. My faith is strong and thanks to three groups of people, the Foothills Church of Christ here in Reno and the Tammany Oaks Church of Christ in Mandeville, LA - and my wonderful kids Sarah and Nathan - I KNOW I am loved.

The reason I am writing today, rather than being in a fetal position on my bed, is that I know there are others in the same pain.

For nineteen years I have stood side-by-side with Josephine. I helped her get her B.S. and MSW. Stood by her through various troubles that came our way. I have always been the supportive and loving husband I thought I could be. Then - Whoosh! - My entire life was uprooted and I was life feeling like the words of this song:

"Well is they say that love in in the air, never is it clear

How to pull it close and make it stay

If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away

Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why

Was it you that kept me wondering through this life

When you know that I was always on your side"

Yes, I spend a great deal of wondering why. All self justification aside, I still do not have an answer to that question. Intellectually, I know I will get through this, but it is the emotional side of me that is a train wreck. Mainly because I do not know where I am going or what I am supposed to do. All I have left is to throw myself at the feet of a compassionate God and ask for His grace in my time of need.

I wish there was some easy 1,2,3 formula to get through this but there isn't.  (I will try one a bit later) Sometimes I think suffering is just that, suffering. Many of us are willing to concede that we have had enough, yet it keeps on coming. The words in that little picture are very true and not some pie-in-the-sky psychobabble. I am a stronger man because of the things I have faced in my life. In reality, I am thankful for every scar that is on my heart because each one shows a time I had to place my faith in the God of the universe. Yes, even He wants me to be whole.

In Psalm 34:17-20 Eugene Peterson translates it this way in The Message.

"Is anyone crying for help?

God is listening, ready to rescue you.

If your heart is broken,

you'll find God right there;

if you're kicked in the gut,

he'll help you catch your breath.

Disciples so often get in trouble;

still, God is there every time.

He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone;

not even a finger gets broken."

For a person who does not share my faith - those words are nonsense. To me they are a promise from a Father that always keeps His promises. No matter how bad this whole thing gets, I know He is There and Not Silent. 

Since I am still in the midst of this cyclone all I can do is give some advice. It may change after I either land in Kansas or Oz, but here goes:

1. Cling to your faith.
2. Find a loving body of fellow believers. (This can be tricky. Make sure they understand that we all suffer and want to help you. Avoid legalistic and judgmental people - they always want to assign blame).
3. Get out of the house.
4. Cling to your faith.

Let's see how this goes as I continue my journey. Below is wonderful song be Johnny Cash that ,might help.

Peace

~Al

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO CHOCOLAT

~ I watched a very cute movie, Chocolat, and I thought I would share its message today. It is a short video clip but worth it.~

At the end of the movie, a young priest stands up to give his Easter Sunday homily. Throughout the movie many changes have happened and he addresses what he has learned since the beginning of Lent.

In the movie Chocolat a small village has lived for hundreds of years in peace. Villagers went about their daily activities in quietness with much of their lives revolving around the local Catholic Parish. The leader of the  village is utterly appalled that a newcomer, a woman, would open a Chocolate Shop at the very beginning of Lent.

This movie might strike a chord with anyone who has experienced "church-life." Unfortunately, many people embrace a form of Christianity that is merely a list of do's and don'ts. They pride themselves on how much they have avoided sin in their lives. 

There is a story told by Jesus that sheds some light on this very issue:

The Story of the Tax Man

and the Pharisee

LUKE 18:9-14 (The Message - a translation by Eugene Peterson)

"He told his next story to some who were

complacently pleased with themselves over their

moral performance and 

looked down their noses at the common people:

'Two men went up to the Temple to pray, one a Pharisee, the other a tax man.

The Pharisee posed and prayed like this:

Oh, God, I thank you that I am not like other people

-- robbers, crooks, adulterers, or heaven forbid, like

this tax man. I fast twice a week and tithe on all my income.

Meanwhile, the tax man, slumped in the shadows,

his face in his hands, not daring to look up, said

God, give mercy. Forgive me, a sinner.'

Jesus commented

'This tax man, NOT the other,

went home right with God.

If you walk around with your nose in the air,

you're going to end up flat on your face,

but if you're content to simply be yourself,

you will become MORE than yourself.'"

Things haven't changed much in the last 2,000 years. This pious attitude, in my experience, has two fruits. First, people who mess up are known by their misstep or assumed misstep. 

"Oh, yes, she was Divorced."

"I think he might be gay."

"He had an affair."

"She drinks too much."

"Their kid is on drugs."

"I heard they are having 'trouble at home'."

These people become known by the labels we ascribe to them. Individuals are not viewed as a children of God, nor as an instrument through which God can work. Instead they are judged on their PAST, not their POTENTIAL.

The second fruit of this attitude is far more damning. Admission or the confession of a struggle, weakness or sin becomes fodder for church gossip or what some people justify as "sanctified gossip." Sanctified or not, it is gossip, it is sin, and DESTROYs and pollutes the Church of God.  Not wanting to become the latest topic of gossip, we need to HIDE our missteps, thus becoming a part of the sterile veneer that fills our churches. The church has become a hotel for hypocrites rather than a hospital for the hurting. Confession is rare. Asking for help is avoided. Yet sin is still occurring:

• How many Christians are addicted to pornography?
• How many inappropriate relationships do Christians have on Facebook?
• How many women are a punching bag for an abusive husband?
• How many of our young people are involved in sexual immorality?
• How many Christians are racists?
• How many are abusing prescription drugs? 

Yet on Sunday morning, we camoflage our own struggles, pain and sin with that nice "Christian Veneer." The shallowness of this kind of Christianity is causing our kids to leave the church in droves.

They see the hypocrisy, and quite frankly, want no part of it.

I think here again we should look to Jesus. As Paul puts it in Philippians 2:1-8, we will again use The Message:

"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ,

if his love has made any difference in your life,

if being in a community of the Spirit 

means anything to you,

if you have heart, 

if you care 

-- then do me a favor:

Agree with each other,

love each other,

be deep spirited friends.

Don't push your way to the front;

don't sweet-talk your way to the top.

Put yourself aside,

help OTHERS get ahead.

Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage.

Forget about yourselves long enough

to lend a helping hand.

Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought

of himself.

He had equal status with God but didn't think so much

of himself that he had to cling to those advantages

no matter what. NOT AT ALL.

When the time came, he set aside the privileges 

of deity and took on the status of a slave,

became human!

Having become human, he stayed human.

It was an incredibly humbling process.

He didn't claim special privileges.

Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died

a selfless, obedient death

-- and the worst kind of death at that - a crucifixion.

Isn't it ironic that the self-righteous went about with their chests stuck out and their noses in the air, yet the one who had every right to do that, Jesus, became a servant.

Please, God. Forgive our stupidity, bigotry and self-reliance. Help us to see ourselves as you see us. More importantly, please help us to see others as you see them. Give us the courage to confess our struggles and sins to one another. God, please stop the rampant gossip, judgment and maligning that has polluted your church. God we ask that your Spirit will create in us new hearts that see the brokenness in this world and cause us to weep and pray for this fallen world. We ask, Father, to be your instruments to help heal the brokenhearted. In the name of your Son Jesus - Amen

Peace

~Al

ONLY GRACE

My Apologies for Being so Sporadic in My postings

~This is a beautiful song that deserves a listen.~

 

Grace is a difficult concept for so many of us to figure out. That God would forgive us of all of our misdeeds as a gift goes against who we are as people. Over the years the church has found numerous ways for its people to pay for that gift. There has been penance, good deeds and even detailed lists that people are forced to adhere to. The main way these have been enforced has been guilt. Yet, these feeble attempts and the guilt behind them only nullify the grace of God. If a person has been freed from earning their salvation, the works exude from them. Listen to Paul in Ephesians 2:

"For it has been by grace you have been saved, through faith

-- and this not from yourselves -- it is a gift from God --

not by works, so that no one can boast. 

For we are God's workmanship (masterpiece,Gk),

created in Christ Jesus to do good works,

which God prepared in advance for us to do."

So there are works, they flow from us as gratitude for the gift from God.

Here is where the trouble comes into the equation. People mess up. I have taken messing up to an art form during my 60 years. Granted, much of that was before I became a Christian, yet a great deal has occurred since I became a Christian. I have failed my family, my church, myself and my God. I have walked away from God, with no intention of looking back and somehow He drew me home. 

This week I had a conversation with a young man who has made mistakes and is trying to find his way back in serving the Lord. He is discouraged because when he is attempting to do something public in the church -- he sees the eyes of judgment of those who knew him when he was struggling with his faith. It is as though they are waiting for him to mess up again -- spoiler alert! -- he will! Just as those people who are constantly pulling him back to his mistakes. Only God knows the heart of a person. Only God knows the true struggles and temptations a person is going through.

When a person fails, we should be there to help them up. Will they mess up again? -- probably, but so do all of us. One of the reasons the church exists is to be a representation of God's love, mercy and grace. People who go to church aren't perfect, not even close. We are all there as people who have failed God and other people in our lives. We are there to encourage each other to be better people. We lend a hand when someone falls and if they fall again -- we are still there holding out a hand of reconciliation.

More than anything else, we need our Father's Eyes.

Peace

~Al

LIVING YEARS

~ This Song Came on the Radio and it Touched Me. ~

I come in contact with so many people who have been hurt or alienated from a parent, friend or sibling. Often times there can be decades between any type of communication. In my own life, as a survivor of various types of abuse, I close a door in my mind on that person. I guess I got that from my Dad. He was a very "compartmentalized" man. He could seal off emotions, feelings and even memories that he chose to forget. I know now that is probably the worst thing a person can do. We stuff our anger and even hatred so far down inside of us we no longer seem to feel the pain.

That may be true to our conscious mind but it just brews and festers below the surface. We seem fine on the outside, but beneath is festering rot.Then comes a time when you can no longer talk things out. That person is gone and all is left is a nagging sense of shame and guilt for not acting sooner, or if that rot has progressed - you are glad that person has gone.

During these past couple of years it seems that many people I know have died. Maybe it is because I am an old man and my peer group is just getting smaller by attrition. But since I am an old man, I have learned a few things.

There is an interesting story at the beginning of John 8:

John 8:1-11 (MSG)

To Throw The Stone

"Jesus went across to the Mount of Olives, but he was soon back in the Temple again. Swarms of people came to him. He sat down and taught them. The religion scholars and the Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said,

"Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?"

They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring some charges against him.

Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said,

"The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone."

Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt.

Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, 

beginning with the oldest.

The woman was left alone.

Jesus stood up and spoke to her,

"Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?"

"No one, Master"

"Neither do I," said Jesus

"Go on your way. From now on, don't sin"

Did you catch those who walked away first? It was the oldest in the crowd. There is something that comes with age - knowing you are not always on the right side. With age, through the lenses of our own personal failures and pain, you realize that life is not as simple as it was in your 20's. In my 20's, 30's and even in my 40's I had all the answers. Now as I approach the sunset of my life, I see the questions I overlooked in my youth.

In my pursuit of the truth I had made the Bible into a rule book that I could use to order my life - and often times, order the lives of others. Now I look at the Bible in its entirety, I see a symphony or a dance that God has created to help us live, love and get along with one another in this world.

I don't know if you noticed they only brought the woman before Jesus. I always thought it took two people to commit adultery. Not to justify adultery, but what were the circumstances? Where was the guy? Was he in the crowd holding a stone? Was she set up to be a pawn? I assume Jesus understood the game that was going on. Many have wondered what he was writing in the dirt, I think he was bored with the entire spectacle and sickened by their religious hypocrisy. I imagine him doodling.

Now back to the topic at hand, Are there people in your life you are angry with? Have you hurt someone? Has someone hurt you? NOW is the time to straighten things out. I have spoken about my Father's abuse of me as a kid. I can also tell you that when my Dad passed away, we were on great terms. It wasn't my great ability to forgive or my compassionate heart. I had been touched by the grace of God. What caused me to do what I did came because I realized how much God had forgiven and accepted me.

My Dad was recovering from prostate surgery. (This is kind of gross) He hadn't had a bowel movement in three days and I was supposed to take him back to the hospital the next day. In the middle of the night the air in our house turned blue as I heard a string of profanity being shouted by my Father. I got up, and let's just say 'The dam broke". He was completely covered with excrement and VERY embarrassed. I pulled him into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I started removing his soiled pajamas, as he kept saying "No! No!" I got him into the shower and cleaned him up. He calmed down and was crying and said,

"After all I have done to you, how can you do this?". I just said, "Because you are my Dad."

From that point on, he was my Dad; we had a good relationship over the next three years until he passed away. I know there must be someone in your life you can reach out to. Whether you were the cause or the recipient - reconciliation is a good thing.


Peace,
~Al

ANGELA

It has been one year to the day of, my ex-wife, Angela's passing. One year ago I was sitting across the bed from Curtis, Angela's husband. We were both holding one of her hands as she passed away from this world. Angela gave a valiant fight against an unstoppable foe - ALS. Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis or "Lou Gehrig's Disease" it takes no prisoners. 

If there ever was a disease to cause me to doubt my faith in God, it would be ALS. With the brain fully functioning, your body starts to fail one part at a grueling time. You can no longer talk, walk, swallow, use your hands and breathing becomes more of a problem. What you can look forward to is to suffocate in your own fluids and mucous. All the time with a fully functional brain, knowing exactly what is happening.

While Curtis and I were there at the house, Sarah and Nathan had gone to a cafe. (I asked them to do that so they wouldn't have to watch their Mom pass away. They left when she fell asleep.) After that draining experience, I had to drive over to meet Sarah and Nathan -- I had no idea what I was going to say.

Sarah was 23 and Nathan was 18, their Mom was dead and the remnant of our family is small. Over the past year I have watched how each one has grieved. Sarah was very expressive in her grief and to this day has a vacancy in her heart. Nathan expressed his grief in stoicism and an impenetrable wall of silence. They, like all of us, handle these things differently  and each has the same amount of hurt and pain. I have done my best to let them both know they are valued and loved.

Angela would be very proud of how they have each grown into young adults. Sarah, now 24, lives in Oregon and is currently studying nursing with an eye toward Naturopathic Medicine. Music is her true love and I believe her cathartic release. She has grown into a warm, compassionate, intelligent beautiful woman.

Nathan, will be 20 in June, he inherited my twisted sense of humor. He just finished his first year at UNR, studying Psychology. He is a bookworm and loves StarCraft and Diablo 3. He is also gifted musically and often is up late at night writing music on his computer. He is  bright and has a wonderful sense of humor.

Both Sarah and Nathan have turned out well. This is a tough time for them and they could use your prayers.

So now after a year, I pause to reflect on how Angela's passing has affected me.

• It was an ugly divorce with fault on each side, yet, in spite of all of the pain we caused each other - forgiveness felt much better than the hate.
• Sarah and Nathan, seeing that Angela and I could forgive each other was a good thing to see.
• Curtis' and Josephine's understanding and inner strength was good to see. As the current spouses neither were threatened by the fact that Angela and I no longer clung to anger.
• Shortly after Angela's death I started writing this blog to express a great deal of feelings I had buried much too long.
• 2011 was a horrible year. Shortly after Angela's passing Josephine went to Ireland to experience the loss of multiple uncles her Dad and her Sister.

The song below was played at Angela's Memorial Service. The words express, better than I can, how I feel and I am sure Angela is feeling right now.

Peace,
Al

LISTEN

~Please Give This Song a Listen~

STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW! PAUSE, BE STILL AND LISTEN. 

For those of us in the West, that is a difficult task. Listening has become a lost art in our culture. We are constantly bombarded by noise and distractions. We have radios, TV's, the Internet, cell phones, email, texts and relationships. The closest we often come to listening to someone is when they are talking, and we are thinking of what we are going to say. We are so consumed by what is happening around us that we often miss what is going on around us. Their is an old adage, "God gave you two ears and one mouth - use them proportionally". 

Back during the days of the Marriage Enrichment Seminars, they would have couples write out their feelings to each other. The reason behind this exercise was to allow a person to completely express their feelings without interruption. As you would read what was being said to you, in a separate room, you were not allowed to stop and get defensive, argue or roll your eyes. It was a method of getting people to listen to what the other person was trying to communicate with you. Many people came away from this experience, even after decades of marriage, saying, "I had no idea you felt that way".

My guess is that if we could stop and listen, we would realize how much we are missing. Those who know me, know I am actually an introvert. When I am in front of a crowd I am animated and very extroverted, yet I am a very solitary person. In groups I will often sit back, listen and watch. Coming from such an abusive family, I learned very early how to read emotions in people. Those who survived those environments picked that skill up early in life. I have come to realize that, for the most part, people are more concerned with talking and getting their point across than hearing what another person has to say. This is destroying marriages, relationships with parents and children, relationships in general, work conditions and even countries. We just don't listen anymore!

It also affects us as individuals. We have so much going on that we are often stressed out of our minds. As I said earlier, we are bombarded. There is no "off" switch to stop the noise. When people are talking with us, we have trouble staying focused. Our minds are filled with politics, taxes, house payments, wars and rumors of wars. The video above was put together for the people of Haiti that was devastated by one of the largest earthquakes ever recorded. We heard the headline, but it was drowned out by the hundreds or thousands of other things bombarding our minds. In the midst of all of this clutter, we may have missed our spouse trying to express the pain they are feeling. We may have missed a child saying they wished you could be around more. Maybe we missed the still quiet voice of God asking us to slow down.  

I know that suggesting another thing be added to your schedule is insane. I would suggest that you try at least one or two of the following:

1. Set aside a few minutes each day for quiet.
2. When talking with another person, actually listen to what they are saying. Don't be thinking of what your are going to say back to them.
3. Take a step back from Social Media. No one cares if you post "like" to a comment.
4. If you have kids, listen to them. Ask them how they are feeling.
5. Try an not get sucked into our consumer driven society - be thankful for what you already have.
6. Actually spend time talking and listening to that significant person in your life.
7. You don't have to be an authority on every current event happening on the planet.
8. Spend some time listening to God.

Maybe this is the best advice:

"Be still and know that I am God..."

(Psalm 46:10)

Or you can this route:

Peace
~Al

FORGIVENESS

~PLEASE READ THE WORDS IN THIS SHORT VIDEO BEFORE READING BELOW~

Forgiveness is a tricky thing. For me, when a person has gone to all the trouble to hurt me, I have a pretty thick skin, I can be pretty cut and dried on dealing with that person in the future. The defense mechanism that has developed within my 59 dysfunctional years has taught me to "Shut a Door" in my mind. As far as I am concerned, that person no longer exists. I have locked away any feelings, good or bad, I have had for this person - I guess in the digital age, I hit the delete key. From a spiritual and psychological perspective this is the worst thing I could do. I would assume many of you have been hurt or have hurt someone. Whether it is asking for forgiveness and actually forgiving someone, we often let our pride get in the way. In many ways we are hurting ourselves at a far deeper level than we could imagine. Holding those feelings and memories within just festers like a dirty wound. Hurt turns into bitterness, bitterness is followed by hatred, and as Yoda would say - "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to the Dark Side".

My best recollection of experiencing the healing affects of forgiveness was when my ex-wife, Angela, was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease). We had a horrific divorce. We said things about each other and generally took every opportunity to hurt each other. I can honestly say I hated her. When I heard the diagnosis, I called her. I really didn't know what to say and I blurted out, "I am sorry for all of the things I have done to hurt you and I would like to have this behind us." She expressed the same to me. We decided the past was in the past and that we needed to forgive each other; so, we did just that. What I can't get over was how I felt after that phone call with Angela. It was as if a physical weight had been taken off of my shoulders. I cried all of the way home.I joined her husband Curtis, our daughter Sarah and son Nathan to be there for Angela. It was a tough time for all of us as she slowly disintegrated in front of us. In May of this year I had the privilege to be sitting on one one side of her bed holding her hand as Curtis sat on the other doing the same as she passed away. 

What I couldn't realize at the time was that I had been spending so much time feeding that hatred, that I was destroying myself. That deep seated hatred begins to feed off of itself and you become addicted to thinking how you could hurt this person.

Jesus made a few comments that hit this issue dead on:

"Forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors."

Matthew 6:12 - (NIV)

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

Matthew 6:14-15 - (NIV)

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your bother; then come and offer your gift."

Matthew 5:23-24 - (NIV)

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over."

Matthew 18:15 - (NIV)

Did you notice Jesus nailed both sides of this equation? To the person who has been hurt - go to the one who hurt you. The the offending person - go and be reconciled. This theme is carried throughout the New Testament. If we really do believe that we have been saved by the grace of God through faith, and know that all of our wrong-doing has been forgiven; how can we not forgive those who have hurt us?

In all seriousness - look at your life and try to see who you may have hurt or who has hurt you. Reach out and see if forgiveness can take place. In 12 Step programs they talk about:

• Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
• Make a list of all the persons we have harmed, and become prepared to make amends to them all.
• Make direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
• Continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong admit it.

Now AA takes it from the side of the offender, but Jesus asks us to take it to the next step. He knew if you just sat around waiting for this person to come on their knees asking forgiveness - that may never happen. During that time you continue to fester. Please reach out and find peace in your life. You will be happy you did.

Peace

~Al

P.S. At the request of Josephine, here is another Johnny Cash song that fits this blog