LIVING YEARS

~ This Song Came on the Radio and it Touched Me. ~

I come in contact with so many people who have been hurt or alienated from a parent, friend or sibling. Often times there can be decades between any type of communication. In my own life, as a survivor of various types of abuse, I close a door in my mind on that person. I guess I got that from my Dad. He was a very "compartmentalized" man. He could seal off emotions, feelings and even memories that he chose to forget. I know now that is probably the worst thing a person can do. We stuff our anger and even hatred so far down inside of us we no longer seem to feel the pain.

That may be true to our conscious mind but it just brews and festers below the surface. We seem fine on the outside, but beneath is festering rot.Then comes a time when you can no longer talk things out. That person is gone and all is left is a nagging sense of shame and guilt for not acting sooner, or if that rot has progressed - you are glad that person has gone.

During these past couple of years it seems that many people I know have died. Maybe it is because I am an old man and my peer group is just getting smaller by attrition. But since I am an old man, I have learned a few things.

There is an interesting story at the beginning of John 8:

John 8:1-11 (MSG)

To Throw The Stone

"Jesus went across to the Mount of Olives, but he was soon back in the Temple again. Swarms of people came to him. He sat down and taught them. The religion scholars and the Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said,

"Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?"

They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring some charges against him.

Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said,

"The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone."

Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt.

Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, 

beginning with the oldest.

The woman was left alone.

Jesus stood up and spoke to her,

"Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?"

"No one, Master"

"Neither do I," said Jesus

"Go on your way. From now on, don't sin"

Did you catch those who walked away first? It was the oldest in the crowd. There is something that comes with age - knowing you are not always on the right side. With age, through the lenses of our own personal failures and pain, you realize that life is not as simple as it was in your 20's. In my 20's, 30's and even in my 40's I had all the answers. Now as I approach the sunset of my life, I see the questions I overlooked in my youth.

In my pursuit of the truth I had made the Bible into a rule book that I could use to order my life - and often times, order the lives of others. Now I look at the Bible in its entirety, I see a symphony or a dance that God has created to help us live, love and get along with one another in this world.

I don't know if you noticed they only brought the woman before Jesus. I always thought it took two people to commit adultery. Not to justify adultery, but what were the circumstances? Where was the guy? Was he in the crowd holding a stone? Was she set up to be a pawn? I assume Jesus understood the game that was going on. Many have wondered what he was writing in the dirt, I think he was bored with the entire spectacle and sickened by their religious hypocrisy. I imagine him doodling.

Now back to the topic at hand, Are there people in your life you are angry with? Have you hurt someone? Has someone hurt you? NOW is the time to straighten things out. I have spoken about my Father's abuse of me as a kid. I can also tell you that when my Dad passed away, we were on great terms. It wasn't my great ability to forgive or my compassionate heart. I had been touched by the grace of God. What caused me to do what I did came because I realized how much God had forgiven and accepted me.

My Dad was recovering from prostate surgery. (This is kind of gross) He hadn't had a bowel movement in three days and I was supposed to take him back to the hospital the next day. In the middle of the night the air in our house turned blue as I heard a string of profanity being shouted by my Father. I got up, and let's just say 'The dam broke". He was completely covered with excrement and VERY embarrassed. I pulled him into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I started removing his soiled pajamas, as he kept saying "No! No!" I got him into the shower and cleaned him up. He calmed down and was crying and said,

"After all I have done to you, how can you do this?". I just said, "Because you are my Dad."

From that point on, he was my Dad; we had a good relationship over the next three years until he passed away. I know there must be someone in your life you can reach out to. Whether you were the cause or the recipient - reconciliation is a good thing.


Peace,
~Al

Fallen

~THIS WAS ONE OF MY FIRST BLOGS~

Sarah McLachlan is one of my favorite artists. This song was one of those I felt she was talking to me. If you have ever failed, and Lord knows I have done that in an almost nuclear proportion, this may be a voice calling in the wilderness of your life. I have had many failures in my life. 

The line that keeps going through my mind is, 

"We believed that we could change ourselves the past could be undone, but we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals. In the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal. The bitter taste of losing everything that I've held so dear" 

For me it was I came from an extremely dysfunctional family. My Mother left my Father when I was six weeks old and I was raised by his sister who had been widowed during WWII. In fact, "Babe", finally told me when I was ten that she was actually my aunt. (I always wondered why my Mom & Dad were brother and sister - I didn't grow up on the set of "Deliverance".) My Father was a merchant marine and was gone most of the time I grew up. Where the major dysfunction came into play was that everyone in my family was an alcoholic. My Father, when he came home was physically and sexually abusive to me. I can remember being awoken to him beating me with a belt or his fists and then pleasuring himself at my expense. He was always a very angry man. With Babe, she was usually passed out by the time I got home from school. I would find something to eat and watch TV until the channels signed off. I did hear on some late show this English guy saying that people should read the "Classics", so when the Bookmobile came around I told the travelling librarian I wanted to read them and she started feeding me books. I started then and have read about a book a week since I started. 

When the "white flight" occurred in our area of Richmond, our family did not have a ticket to move to the suburbs. So, I grew up as a white kid in an African American area. I did learn to love and appreciate that culture and I also learned how to fight pretty well. It seemed there was always someone wanting to see if I made a wrong turn somewhere and wound up in the wrong neighborhood. This led my life into gangs and a great deal of time interacting with law enforcement. Then at seventeen I became a Christian and was told that everything in my past was forgiven and forgotten.

I went on to become a minister after studying Bible at Abilene Christian University and eventually a Master's from GTU in Berkeley. I had all of the answers to questions nobody asked and became a spiritual leader. Then that line in Sarah's song came back that I believed the past could be undone. Needless to say, after failing in ministry and the end of my second marriage - In the lonely light of morning in the wound that would not heal - I lost my business, wife and two children. I had become a successful business person and now was in a small apartment and in the midst of bankruptcy. Somehow I thought I had overcome the wounds, yet I carried on my back the burden time will always revel.

I was alone. I had no money. None of my friends were around. So I crawled into a cave. I started drinking and would drink until I passed out every night, except on weekends when my kids would visit (I refused to give my kids what I got from my Father). I remember wishing someone would call, but I hadn't made that easy for anyone. I felt a great deal of resentment against people I had helped in my business and soon realized that it was just part of the whole masquerade that I had somehow become this successful and popular person.

Then I met Josephine. She had never heard of me, she had no idea I had been this big shot. She just slowly pulled me from my cave and inspired me to start over again. She was everything I was not. Josephine is a free spirit and I am not. She is spontaneous and I am boring. Above all she is the most compassionate person I have ever met. We have been married for sixteen years and I love her more today than when we first met. She encouraged me to start a new career, to seek out old friends and most importantly - not to give up on God. My kids Sarah and Nathan are the light of my life and I am so happy they love me. Every night I text them a silly picture to let them know I am thinking of them and that I love them.

Now why am I writing this? Well, to let you know I do not know all of the answers to life. In fact, I seem to have more questions about life than  I did forty years ago. However, I also know what it is like to lose everything. As I said in a previous blog about the Road We Walk, it is a one way journey. Whatever place you find yourself - you need to keep moving forward. You need to find your North Star and NEVER lose sight of it. In the midst of the pain and the desire not to see or talk to anyone, you have to force yourself to reach out. Facebook has been a great place to at least communicate with people from my past. Some of them I have helped and others I have hurt and let down. Refreshingly, I have found acceptance from both groups. 

Sometimes we find ourselves in a situation that is so awful we see no way out. All of those people who I thought didn't care - some were trying to find me, I just had a very deep cave. Ask for help. Find someone or a group of people you can trust. You are not alone. In all of this I can say God did not abandon me, I walked away from Him. Don't wallow in self pity there is no perfect life, just life itself. When I was a kid I would watch "Ozzie and Harriett", "Leave it to Beaver" and "Father Knows Best" - then I would sit and wonder if that was what the "real" world was like -- it isn't. The world is messed up and people are messed up.

You are not alone in this struggle. I hope my words have helped at least someone who can see there is a way out of the darkness.

Peace

~Al