A beautiful prayer that comes from a heart with groaning too deep for words.
To recognize the darkness that is eclipsing my life,
to pray for the light of the Father to dawn again.
To feel weakness that robs even my body from endurance,
to pray that El Shaddai will renew my strength.
To feel the brokenness that reaches to the very marrow of my bones,
to pray that the Comforter will reconstruct what has been broken.
To see and feel the bruises that have been left on my soul,
to pray that the Great Physician will restore my heart.
To be so sick at heart that life has lost meaning,
to pray the the Father of Mercies will be the light at the end of this long and dismal tunnel.
That He will give strength to my weariness,
replace my weakness with power.
That He will empower me to soar on wings like eagles;
to run and not grow weary and to walk and not faint.
A simple posting on Facebook that spoke volumes to my torn heart. I have touched the bottom and it is sound. He has not abandoned me to yet another wasteland.
~ I watched a very cute movie, Chocolat, and I thought I would share its message today. It is a short video clip but worth it.~
At the end of the movie, a young priest stands up to give his Easter Sunday homily. Throughout the movie many changes have happened and he addresses what he has learned since the beginning of Lent.
In the movie Chocolat a small village has lived for hundreds of years in peace. Villagers went about their daily activities in quietness with much of their lives revolving around the local Catholic Parish. The leader of the village is utterly appalled that a newcomer, a woman, would open a Chocolate Shop at the very beginning of Lent. This movie might strike a chord with anyone who has experienced "church-life." Unfortunately, many people embrace a form of Christianity that is merely a list of do's and don'ts. They pride themselves on how much they have avoided sin in their lives. There is a story told by Jesus that sheds some light on this very issue:
The Story of the Tax Man
and the Pharisee
LUKE 18:9-14 (The Message - a translation by Eugene Peterson)
"He told his next story to some who were
complacently pleased with themselves over their
moral performance and
looked down their noses at the common people:
'Two men went up to the Temple to pray, one a Pharisee, the other a tax man.
The Pharisee posed and prayed like this:
Oh, God, I thank you that I am not like other people
-- robbers, crooks, adulterers, or heaven forbid, like
this tax man. I fast twice a week and tithe on all my income.
Meanwhile, the tax man, slumped in the shadows,
his face in his hands, not daring to look up, said
God, give mercy. Forgive me, a sinner.'
Jesus commented
'This tax man, NOT the other,
went home right with God.
If you walk around with your nose in the air,
you're going to end up flat on your face,
but if you're content to simply be yourself,
you will become MORE than yourself.'"
Things haven't changed much in the last 2,000 years. This pious attitude, in my experience, has two fruits. First, people who mess up are known by their misstep or assumed misstep.
"Oh, yes, she was Divorced."
"I think he might be gay."
"He had an affair."
"She drinks too much."
"Their kid is on drugs."
"I heard they are having 'trouble at home'."
These people become known by the labels we ascribe to them. Individuals are not viewed as a children of God, nor as an instrument through which God can work. Instead they are judged on their PAST, not their POTENTIAL.
The second fruit of this attitude is far more damning. Admission or the confession of a struggle, weakness or sin becomes fodder for church gossip or what some people justify as "sanctified gossip." Sanctified or not, it is gossip, it is sin, and DESTROYs and pollutes the Church of God. Not wanting to become the latest topic of gossip, we need to HIDE our missteps, thus becoming a part of the sterile veneer that fills our churches. The church has become a hotel for hypocrites rather than a hospital for the hurting. Confession is rare. Asking for help is avoided. Yet sin is still occurring:
How many Christians are addicted to pornography?
How many inappropriate relationships do Christians have on Facebook?
How many women are a punching bag for an abusive husband?
How many of our young people are involved in sexual immorality?
How many Christians are racists?
How many are abusing prescription drugs?
Yet on Sunday morning, we camoflage our own struggles, pain and sin with that nice "Christian Veneer." The shallowness of this kind of Christianity is causing our kids to leave the church in droves.
They see the hypocrisy, and quite frankly, want no part of it.
I think here again we should look to Jesus. As Paul puts it in Philippians 2:1-8, we will again use The Message:
"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ,
if his love has made any difference in your life,
if being in a community of the Spirit
means anything to you,
if you have heart,
if you care
-- then do me a favor:
Agree with each other,
love each other,
be deep spirited friends.
Don't push your way to the front;
don't sweet-talk your way to the top.
Put yourself aside,
help OTHERS get ahead.
Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage.
Forget about yourselves long enough
to lend a helping hand.
Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought
of himself.
He had equal status with God but didn't think so much
of himself that he had to cling to those advantages
no matter what. NOT AT ALL.
When the time came, he set aside the privileges
of deity and took on the status of a slave,
became human!
Having become human, he stayed human.
It was an incredibly humbling process.
He didn't claim special privileges.
Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died
a selfless, obedient death
-- and the worst kind of death at that - a crucifixion.
Isn't it ironic that the self-righteous went about with their chests stuck out and their noses in the air, yet the one who had every right to do that, Jesus, became a servant.
Please, God. Forgive our stupidity, bigotry and self-reliance. Help us to see ourselves as you see us. More importantly, please help us to see others as you see them. Give us the courage to confess our struggles and sins to one another. God, please stop the rampant gossip, judgment and maligning that has polluted your church. God we ask that your Spirit will create in us new hearts that see the brokenness in this world and cause us to weep and pray for this fallen world. We ask, Father, to be your instruments to help heal the brokenhearted. In the name of your Son Jesus - Amen
~Please Allow the Words of This Song to Encourage You~
Labels are difficult to avoid. Most of us when asked to tell someone who we are respond with our vocation. I am a plumber, homemaker, minister, police officer or whatever. We do that to keep from telling people who we feel we are. I am a failure, a loser, an addict, divorced, lonely, depressed, incapable or some other label we have chosen to describe our inner hurts. Often those labels have come from a parent or other authority figure and we believed them and they stuck.
I was recently listening to a message by Joel Osteen where he spoke of "wormy" thinking. The concept grabbed me and it made sense. Over our lives we have been told who and what we are. During that same time those labels built a cocoon around us and trapped us inside. We struggle inside that cocoon and we reinforce the walls with wormy thinking. We have accepted that we are a worm and the idea of breaking free is just a distant and unattainable dream. Just as that beautiful butterfly was never meant to stay in its cocoon - neither are you!
Sometimes we forget that we are beloved by God; the Creator and Sustainer of the universe. We were created in His image. From passages like John 3:16:
"For God so loved the world that he he gave his only
begotten son That whosoever believe on him shall not perish but have everlasting life."
To Jeremiah 1:5
"Before I formed you in the womb
I knew you,
and before you were born
I consecrated you..."
There are times when the struggles and stresses of our life are so overwhelming we long to crawl back into our cocoon and wallow in self-pity. We forget the grace of God. I would like to remind you today that you are loved and that God does not look at where you have been -- He sees what you can become. I hope in some small way God can use these words to remind you that you are valuable and loved.
~This is a beautiful song that deserves a listen.~
Grace is a difficult concept for so many of us to figure out. That God would forgive us of all of our misdeeds as a gift goes against who we are as people. Over the years the church has found numerous ways for its people to pay for that gift. There has been penance, good deeds and even detailed lists that people are forced to adhere to. The main way these have been enforced has been guilt. Yet, these feeble attempts and the guilt behind them only nullify the grace of God. If a person has been freed from earning their salvation, the works exude from them. Listen to Paul in Ephesians 2:
"For it has been by grace you have been saved, through faith
-- and this not from yourselves -- it is a gift from God --
not by works, so that no one can boast.
For we are God's workmanship (masterpiece,Gk),
created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
which God prepared in advance for us to do."
So there are works, they flow from us as gratitude for the gift from God.
Here is where the trouble comes into the equation. People mess up. I have taken messing up to an art form during my 60 years. Granted, much of that was before I became a Christian, yet a great deal has occurred since I became a Christian. I have failed my family, my church, myself and my God. I have walked away from God, with no intention of looking back and somehow He drew me home.
This week I had a conversation with a young man who has made mistakes and is trying to find his way back in serving the Lord. He is discouraged because when he is attempting to do something public in the church -- he sees the eyes of judgment of those who knew him when he was struggling with his faith. It is as though they are waiting for him to mess up again -- spoiler alert! -- he will! Just as those people who are constantly pulling him back to his mistakes. Only God knows the heart of a person. Only God knows the true struggles and temptations a person is going through.
When a person fails, we should be there to help them up. Will they mess up again? -- probably, but so do all of us. One of the reasons the church exists is to be a representation of God's love, mercy and grace. People who go to church aren't perfect, not even close. We are all there as people who have failed God and other people in our lives. We are there to encourage each other to be better people. We lend a hand when someone falls and if they fall again -- we are still there holding out a hand of reconciliation.
More than anything else, we need our Father's Eyes.
~ This Song Came on the Radio and it Touched Me. ~
I come in contact with so many people who have been hurt or alienated from a parent, friend or sibling. Often times there can be decades between any type of communication. In my own life, as a survivor of various types of abuse, I close a door in my mind on that person. I guess I got that from my Dad. He was a very "compartmentalized" man. He could seal off emotions, feelings and even memories that he chose to forget. I know now that is probably the worst thing a person can do. We stuff our anger and even hatred so far down inside of us we no longer seem to feel the pain.
That may be true to our conscious mind but it just brews and festers below the surface. We seem fine on the outside, but beneath is festering rot.Then comes a time when you can no longer talk things out. That person is gone and all is left is a nagging sense of shame and guilt for not acting sooner, or if that rot has progressed - you are glad that person has gone.
During these past couple of years it seems that many people I know have died. Maybe it is because I am an old man and my peer group is just getting smaller by attrition. But since I am an old man, I have learned a few things.
There is an interesting story at the beginning of John 8:
John 8:1-11 (MSG)
To Throw The Stone
"Jesus went across to the Mount of Olives, but he was soon back in the Temple again. Swarms of people came to him. He sat down and taught them. The religion scholars and the Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said,
"Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?"
They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring some charges against him.
Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said,
"The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone."
Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt.
Hearing that, they walked away, one after another,
beginning with the oldest.
The woman was left alone.
Jesus stood up and spoke to her,
"Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?"
"No one, Master"
"Neither do I," said Jesus
"Go on your way. From now on, don't sin"
Did you catch those who walked away first? It was the oldest in the crowd. There is something that comes with age - knowing you are not always on the right side. With age, through the lenses of our own personal failures and pain, you realize that life is not as simple as it was in your 20's. In my 20's, 30's and even in my 40's I had all the answers. Now as I approach the sunset of my life, I see the questions I overlooked in my youth.
In my pursuit of the truth I had made the Bible into a rule book that I could use to order my life - and often times, order the lives of others. Now I look at the Bible in its entirety, I see a symphony or a dance that God has created to help us live, love and get along with one another in this world.
I don't know if you noticed they only brought the woman before Jesus. I always thought it took two people to commit adultery. Not to justify adultery, but what were the circumstances? Where was the guy? Was he in the crowd holding a stone? Was she set up to be a pawn? I assume Jesus understood the game that was going on. Many have wondered what he was writing in the dirt, I think he was bored with the entire spectacle and sickened by their religious hypocrisy. I imagine him doodling.
Now back to the topic at hand, Are there people in your life you are angry with? Have you hurt someone? Has someone hurt you? NOW is the time to straighten things out. I have spoken about my Father's abuse of me as a kid. I can also tell you that when my Dad passed away, we were on great terms. It wasn't my great ability to forgive or my compassionate heart. I had been touched by the grace of God. What caused me to do what I did came because I realized how much God had forgiven and accepted me.
My Dad was recovering from prostate surgery. (This is kind of gross) He hadn't had a bowel movement in three days and I was supposed to take him back to the hospital the next day. In the middle of the night the air in our house turned blue as I heard a string of profanity being shouted by my Father. I got up, and let's just say 'The dam broke". He was completely covered with excrement and VERY embarrassed. I pulled him into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I started removing his soiled pajamas, as he kept saying "No! No!" I got him into the shower and cleaned him up. He calmed down and was crying and said,
"After all I have done to you, how can you do this?". I just said, "Because you are my Dad."
From that point on, he was my Dad; we had a good relationship over the next three years until he passed away. I know there must be someone in your life you can reach out to. Whether you were the cause or the recipient - reconciliation is a good thing.
It has been one year to the day of, my ex-wife, Angela's passing. One year ago I was sitting across the bed from Curtis, Angela's husband. We were both holding one of her hands as she passed away from this world. Angela gave a valiant fight against an unstoppable foe - ALS. Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis or "Lou Gehrig's Disease" it takes no prisoners.
If there ever was a disease to cause me to doubt my faith in God, it would be ALS. With the brain fully functioning, your body starts to fail one part at a grueling time. You can no longer talk, walk, swallow, use your hands and breathing becomes more of a problem. What you can look forward to is to suffocate in your own fluids and mucous. All the time with a fully functional brain, knowing exactly what is happening.
While Curtis and I were there at the house, Sarah and Nathan had gone to a cafe. (I asked them to do that so they wouldn't have to watch their Mom pass away. They left when she fell asleep.) After that draining experience, I had to drive over to meet Sarah and Nathan -- I had no idea what I was going to say.
Sarah was 23 and Nathan was 18, their Mom was dead and the remnant of our family is small. Over the past year I have watched how each one has grieved. Sarah was very expressive in her grief and to this day has a vacancy in her heart. Nathan expressed his grief in stoicism and an impenetrable wall of silence. They, like all of us, handle these things differently and each has the same amount of hurt and pain. I have done my best to let them both know they are valued and loved.
Angela would be very proud of how they have each grown into young adults. Sarah, now 24, lives in Oregon and is currently studying nursing with an eye toward Naturopathic Medicine. Music is her true love and I believe her cathartic release. She has grown into a warm, compassionate, intelligent beautiful woman.
Nathan, will be 20 in June, he inherited my twisted sense of humor. He just finished his first year at UNR, studying Psychology. He is a bookworm and loves StarCraft and Diablo 3. He is also gifted musically and often is up late at night writing music on his computer. He is bright and has a wonderful sense of humor.
Both Sarah and Nathan have turned out well. This is a tough time for them and they could use your prayers.
So now after a year, I pause to reflect on how Angela's passing has affected me.
It was an ugly divorce with fault on each side, yet, in spite of all of the pain we caused each other - forgiveness felt much better than the hate.
Sarah and Nathan, seeing that Angela and I could forgive each other was a good thing to see.
Curtis' and Josephine's understanding and inner strength was good to see. As the current spouses neither were threatened by the fact that Angela and I no longer clung to anger.
Shortly after Angela's death I started writing this blog to express a great deal of feelings I had buried much too long.
2011 was a horrible year. Shortly after Angela's passing Josephine went to Ireland to experience the loss of multiple uncles her Dad and her Sister.
The song below was played at Angela's Memorial Service. The words express, better than I can, how I feel and I am sure Angela is feeling right now.
~I Invite You to Listen to This Song Before Reading Below~
Broken or brokenness is an interesting concept.
It has two distinct aspects that are really intertwined and I hope to explain these in this week's blog.
Stick with me on this one.
Not far from my home there is an adoption center for wild horses. When someone adopts a wild horse, if they plan to ride it, it has to be broken. The military has a process called "Boot Camp", it's primary purpose is to break and rebuild new recruits. In the new "politically correct" version of boot camp, they have removed "break" from the vocabulary. However, both of these instances accomplish the same objective. They remove a previous behavior, or group of behaviors, and replace it/them with new behaviors. For the horse, it learns to channel its energy and power to be controlled by the owner, (sorry P.E.T.A.). In the military, it instills the need to work as a team or a unit. Isn't it interesting that the Army recently changed the recruiting ads to "An Army of One"?
As Americans, we have a problem with the this aspect of brokenness. We live in a culture that has become more and more selfish. We disguise this selfishness into "rugged individualism". Burger King says, "Have It Your Way." We want everything on our terms, built around a construct of our own selfish mold. If our needs aren't being met, we quit. We quit relationships, marriages, families, jobs, organizations, schools and whatever else does not meet our needs. The new motto for our culture should be "My Way or the Highway".
This idea has caused us to view everything in our lives with an underlying, "What's in it for me?" attitude. When we are faced with the teachings of Jesus, our culture is in diametric opposition to his world view. In Matthew 5, he says, "Blessed are the meek...". This word meek - prauscan also be translated as humble, gentile, open and receptive. Interestingly enough, the etymology of this word is associated with a horse that is under control - broken. The concept of dying to yourself is consistent throughout the New Testament. Jesus does not ask us to be selfish materialistic consumers trying to live in the upper echelons of society. He actually calls us to be selfless and to serve society. Paul sums up this attitude in Philippians 2, again from The Message a translation by Eugene Petersen:
"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ,
if his love has made a difference in your life,
if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you,
if you have a heart, if you CARE -- then do me a favor:
Agree with each other,
love each other,
be deep-spirited friends.
Don't push your way to the front,
Don't sweet-talk your way to the top.
Put yourselves aside, and help others get ahead.
Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage.
Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself.
He had equal status with God but did not think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what.
Not at all.
When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity
and took the status of a slave, became human!
Having become human, he stayed human.
It was an incredibly humbling process.
He didn't claim special privileges.
Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and
then died a selfless, obedient death
-- and the worst kind of death at that -- a crucifixion"
(Philippians 2: 1-8)
That is the first kind of brokenness. It is a brokenness from our selfish, American -- What's in it for me? -- attitude. The second type of brokenness has probably been felt by more of us than the previous.
I have spoken a great deal about the brokenness I have endured in my life. It is a shattering of what you believed, hoped and dreamed about your life. Everything is torn away from you and your life is laid bare. You see no way out. You can't trust anyone. You come to the realization that the deck life has dealt you, is stacked against you. Maybe a relationship has evaporated before your eyes. Maybe a group of people you trusted has betrayed your trust. Maybe death has come and took away a person you loved, and all you hear are pious platitudes. People have shared their stories with me. They have been stories of such intense pain, I wonder how they survived.
What I have learned through my life is surviving the second aspect of brokenness is dependent of the first aspect. Much of the time I spent in brokenness was spent in self pity. Instead of "What's in it for me?" it became, "Why is this happening to me?". The commonality in those two statements is "me". Yes, I have been in pain, I have experienced the end of relationships, I have experienced death of a loved one -- BUT, NEWS FLASH!--so has everyone else on this planet. My mistake in dealing with my brokenness was continuing to focus on MY brokenness. Even with all of the lip service to sacrifice and selflessness, I was still egocentric. I was still thinking about only me. My way out was to surrender to my pain and realize it was another step in my life. We are molded and perfected through the difficulties was are enduring. What I have found is that if I attempt to help others, my issues fade in comparison.
I in no way want to diminish the pain and hurt you may be experiencing, but if you will look past yourself, you may find healing.
Over the past few weeks, I have been talking about the fruit of the Spirit. In Galatians 5:22-23, Paul talks about what should be the by-product of our faith. Today, it will be patience. I would like to share these verses from a translation by Eugene Peterson entitled, The Message:
"But what happens when we live God's way?
He brings gifts into our lives,
much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard --
things like affection for others,
exuberance about life,
serenity.
We develop a willingness to stick with things,
a sense of compassion in the heart,
and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people.
We find ourselves in loyal commitments,
not needing to force our way in life,
able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."
As the title suggests, today we are talking about Patience. Peterson translates the word as "We develop a willingness to stick with things." I would add to that, "We develop the ability not to give up."
Of all the topics I have written, this may be one of the most difficult. Here in the U.S. we are almost hard-wired for instant gratification. We are bombarded on our computers and phones with instant text messages, emails and calls. When we watch TV, we see difficult situations resolved in 30-60 minutes. There are more and more people who do not have the time or patience to read a book. What we want - WE WANT IT NOW! As an old man I remember writing letters and waiting the days for it to be delivered and the days for an answer. This would drive most people insane today. Our kids grew up on MTV which was a barrage of 3-4 minute videos. Attention spans are getting shorter and shorter. We get our news in sound bites and just want people to give us "the bottom line". If you don't value your life, drive the actual speed limit in the fast lane. Road rage has taken on almost epidemic proportions - "GET OUT OF MY WAY, I AM HEADING TO STARBUCK'S!"
I watched the Super Bowl yesterday, admittedly I was ambivalent regarding the game, Both teams are 3,000 miles away. I did record it and then replayed it, stopping for the commercials, which are amazing. There was a commercial that aired during half-time. It was by Chrysler and featured Clint Eastwood. As it turns out, it was one of the more controversial commercials aired. Politicians and Talk-Show Hosts are politicizing it. Yes, I know Chrysler received bail-out money from the government. I have heard the arguments both pro and con. I was more interested in the content of what Clint Eastwood said than about all of the political hullabaloo. What he said was powerful and it speaks directly to this discussion. We are facing difficult times. We have faced difficult times before, yet we have always found a way out. To a country that demands instant gratification, it is time to learn patience. Here is the spot:
As I write this short blog, it can't be too long or people won't have the patience to finish it. People all over our country are hurting. We have seen our neighborhoods ravaged by foreclosures and unemployment. We see a rising resentment to people who are successful, to our institutions and even the government. From the Tea Party to the Occupy Movement - people are angry and afraid. In the early 1960's I had neighbors that were building bomb shelters in their backyards, in case the U.S.S.R launched a nuclear attack. Now people are hoarding food, water, guns and ammunition. People have run out of patience. Patience is not some Casper Milquetoast response of putting our collective heads in the sand. It, like love, joy and peace comes from within us. It is knowing that we are citizens of the Kingdom of God before anything else - He will not abandon us. Patience does not expect instant gratification - rather preservers knowing our best days are ahead of us. Patience says we should pray, but not only pray, we need to roll up our sleeves, stop the pity party and find a way out.
Ask God to place within you the fruit of His Spirit - LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS AND SELF-CONTROL.
If these traits are within us, we will have a bright future.
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