Help in Time of Need: REVIVE ME AGAIN

Help in Time of Need: REVIVE ME AGAIN: A beautiful prayer that comes from a heart with groaning too deep for words.  To recognize the darkness that is eclipsing my life, ...

REVIVE ME AGAIN

A beautiful prayer that comes from a heart with groaning too deep for words. 

To recognize the darkness that is eclipsing my life,

to pray for the light of the Father to dawn again.

To feel weakness that robs even my body from endurance,

to pray that El Shaddai will renew my strength.

To feel the brokenness that reaches to the very marrow of my bones,

to pray that the Comforter will reconstruct what has been broken. 

To see and feel the bruises that have been left on my soul,

to pray that the Great Physician will restore my heart.

To be so sick at heart that life has lost meaning,

to pray the the Father of Mercies will be the light at the end of this long and dismal tunnel.

That He will give strength to my weariness,

replace my weakness with power.

That He will empower me to soar on wings like eagles;

to run and not grow weary and to walk and not faint.

A simple posting on Facebook that spoke volumes to my torn heart. I have touched the bottom and it is sound. He has not abandoned me to yet another wasteland.

Peace

~Al

ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE

(I have had quite a few emails and conversations asking me to start writing again. I have been in a rough place, and quite frankly, I haven't had the emotional bandwidth. That being said, today is Easter Sunday - a time for new beginnings and resurrection - so here goes.)

As many of you know, my wife Josephine left in mid-December. I still have no idea where she is or if she is alright. Since that time I have been struggling with depression and loneliness. My faith is strong and thanks to three groups of people, the Foothills Church of Christ here in Reno and the Tammany Oaks Church of Christ in Mandeville, LA - and my wonderful kids Sarah and Nathan - I KNOW I am loved.

The reason I am writing today, rather than being in a fetal position on my bed, is that I know there are others in the same pain.

For nineteen years I have stood side-by-side with Josephine. I helped her get her B.S. and MSW. Stood by her through various troubles that came our way. I have always been the supportive and loving husband I thought I could be. Then - Whoosh! - My entire life was uprooted and I was life feeling like the words of this song:

"Well is they say that love in in the air, never is it clear

How to pull it close and make it stay

If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away

Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why

Was it you that kept me wondering through this life

When you know that I was always on your side"

Yes, I spend a great deal of wondering why. All self justification aside, I still do not have an answer to that question. Intellectually, I know I will get through this, but it is the emotional side of me that is a train wreck. Mainly because I do not know where I am going or what I am supposed to do. All I have left is to throw myself at the feet of a compassionate God and ask for His grace in my time of need.

I wish there was some easy 1,2,3 formula to get through this but there isn't.  (I will try one a bit later) Sometimes I think suffering is just that, suffering. Many of us are willing to concede that we have had enough, yet it keeps on coming. The words in that little picture are very true and not some pie-in-the-sky psychobabble. I am a stronger man because of the things I have faced in my life. In reality, I am thankful for every scar that is on my heart because each one shows a time I had to place my faith in the God of the universe. Yes, even He wants me to be whole.

In Psalm 34:17-20 Eugene Peterson translates it this way in The Message.

"Is anyone crying for help?

God is listening, ready to rescue you.

If your heart is broken,

you'll find God right there;

if you're kicked in the gut,

he'll help you catch your breath.

Disciples so often get in trouble;

still, God is there every time.

He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone;

not even a finger gets broken."

For a person who does not share my faith - those words are nonsense. To me they are a promise from a Father that always keeps His promises. No matter how bad this whole thing gets, I know He is There and Not Silent. 

Since I am still in the midst of this cyclone all I can do is give some advice. It may change after I either land in Kansas or Oz, but here goes:

1. Cling to your faith.
2. Find a loving body of fellow believers. (This can be tricky. Make sure they understand that we all suffer and want to help you. Avoid legalistic and judgmental people - they always want to assign blame).
3. Get out of the house.
4. Cling to your faith.

Let's see how this goes as I continue my journey. Below is wonderful song be Johnny Cash that ,might help.

Peace

~Al

ALONE

~In December of 2013 my wife, Josephine, went off of her medication and suffered from an apparent psychotic break.

After sending out horrible emails about me and other hurtful things -- 

She Left.

I have no idea where she is or even if she is still alive.

The pain I have suffered has been horrendous.

I am writing this because I want to get out what is bottled up inside of me.

The song below is one of the most beautiful songs I have heard.

It also communicates where my heart is right now.~

As a person who was abandoned by my mother at six weeks of age, abandonment is a very fearful thing for me. As I sit in this house alone I constantly see things that remind me of Josephine. After almost twenty years of sharing, defending and loving a person -- the silence is deafening. My children are now adults and I am just an old man who is left with memories. I guess I am sharing this because I want you to know that I am a broken person, as are you. Just because I am a person who is seen as a person with answers, doesn't mean I do not experience the pain that others do.

What I will say is I have heard a phrase over and over from people,

"God will not allow you to face more than you can handle."

I thought I would take a minute and explain where that quote has its origins and why it is not true. This is a misquotation of 1 Corinthians 10:13, which actually says:

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.

God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,

but with the temptation he will also provide

the way to escape, 

that you may be able to endure it." (ESV)

Now, not to be cruel to people who are trying to help and are at a loss for words, this passage is talking about temptation not when your whole world collapses around you. It also makes the person who is suffering want to say, 

"I am at my wits end and I really cannot endure this. Why is God punishing me?"

I believe another passage is helpful, at least it is to me. Jesus knew we would be faced with troubles. The Christians of the first century faced persecution so intense that it would often cost them their lives. He knew that in this world we would face troubles. Often times, they are more than we can bear. So, during this time in my life, I have found my faith increased and my prayer life energized. I know this is more than I can handle! I throw myself on the faith and mercy of Jesus. His words are here to be a source of comfort.

"Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden,

and I will  give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you,

and learn from me,

for I am gentile and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light"

(Matthew 11:28-30 - ESV)

I am not trying to give you a pie-in-the-sky  response to suffering. I am saying, that for me, the only place I have left to turn is my faith in Jesus Christ.

I have no idea where this path will lead, but I do know who is with me.

Thank you for your time.

Grace

~Al