ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE

(I have had quite a few emails and conversations asking me to start writing again. I have been in a rough place, and quite frankly, I haven't had the emotional bandwidth. That being said, today is Easter Sunday - a time for new beginnings and resurrection - so here goes.)

As many of you know, my wife Josephine left in mid-December. I still have no idea where she is or if she is alright. Since that time I have been struggling with depression and loneliness. My faith is strong and thanks to three groups of people, the Foothills Church of Christ here in Reno and the Tammany Oaks Church of Christ in Mandeville, LA - and my wonderful kids Sarah and Nathan - I KNOW I am loved.

The reason I am writing today, rather than being in a fetal position on my bed, is that I know there are others in the same pain.

For nineteen years I have stood side-by-side with Josephine. I helped her get her B.S. and MSW. Stood by her through various troubles that came our way. I have always been the supportive and loving husband I thought I could be. Then - Whoosh! - My entire life was uprooted and I was life feeling like the words of this song:

"Well is they say that love in in the air, never is it clear

How to pull it close and make it stay

If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away

Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why

Was it you that kept me wondering through this life

When you know that I was always on your side"

Yes, I spend a great deal of wondering why. All self justification aside, I still do not have an answer to that question. Intellectually, I know I will get through this, but it is the emotional side of me that is a train wreck. Mainly because I do not know where I am going or what I am supposed to do. All I have left is to throw myself at the feet of a compassionate God and ask for His grace in my time of need.

I wish there was some easy 1,2,3 formula to get through this but there isn't.  (I will try one a bit later) Sometimes I think suffering is just that, suffering. Many of us are willing to concede that we have had enough, yet it keeps on coming. The words in that little picture are very true and not some pie-in-the-sky psychobabble. I am a stronger man because of the things I have faced in my life. In reality, I am thankful for every scar that is on my heart because each one shows a time I had to place my faith in the God of the universe. Yes, even He wants me to be whole.

In Psalm 34:17-20 Eugene Peterson translates it this way in The Message.

"Is anyone crying for help?

God is listening, ready to rescue you.

If your heart is broken,

you'll find God right there;

if you're kicked in the gut,

he'll help you catch your breath.

Disciples so often get in trouble;

still, God is there every time.

He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone;

not even a finger gets broken."

For a person who does not share my faith - those words are nonsense. To me they are a promise from a Father that always keeps His promises. No matter how bad this whole thing gets, I know He is There and Not Silent. 

Since I am still in the midst of this cyclone all I can do is give some advice. It may change after I either land in Kansas or Oz, but here goes:

1. Cling to your faith.
2. Find a loving body of fellow believers. (This can be tricky. Make sure they understand that we all suffer and want to help you. Avoid legalistic and judgmental people - they always want to assign blame).
3. Get out of the house.
4. Cling to your faith.

Let's see how this goes as I continue my journey. Below is wonderful song be Johnny Cash that ,might help.

Peace

~Al

BROKEN

~I Invite You to Listen to This Song Before Reading Below~

Broken or brokenness is an interesting concept. 

It has two distinct aspects that are really intertwined and I hope to explain these in this week's blog. 

Stick with me on this one.

Not far from my home there is an adoption center for wild horses. When someone adopts a wild horse, if they plan to ride it, it has to be broken. The military has a process called "Boot Camp", it's primary purpose is to break and rebuild new recruits. In the new "politically correct" version of boot camp, they have removed "break" from the vocabulary. However, both of these instances accomplish the same objective. They remove a previous behavior, or group of behaviors, and replace it/them with new behaviors. For the horse, it learns to channel its energy and power to be controlled by the owner, (sorry P.E.T.A.). In the military,  it instills the need to work as a team or a unit. Isn't it interesting that the Army recently changed the recruiting ads to "An Army of One"?

As Americans, we have a problem with the this aspect of brokenness. We live in a culture that has become more and more selfish. We disguise this selfishness into "rugged individualism". Burger King says, "Have It Your Way." We want everything on our terms, built around a construct of our own selfish mold. If our needs aren't being met, we quit. We quit relationships, marriages, families, jobs, organizations, schools and whatever else does not meet our needs. The new motto for our culture should be "My Way or the Highway". 

This idea has caused us to view everything in our lives with an underlying, "What's in it for me?"  attitude. When we are faced with the teachings of Jesus, our culture is in diametric opposition to his world view. In Matthew 5, he says, "Blessed are the meek...". This word meek - praus can also be translated as humble, gentile, open and receptive. Interestingly enough, the etymology of this word is associated with a horse that is under control - broken. The concept of dying to yourself is consistent throughout the New Testament. Jesus does not ask us to be selfish materialistic consumers trying to live in the upper echelons of society. He actually calls us to be selfless and to serve society. Paul sums up this attitude in Philippians 2, again from The Message a translation by Eugene Petersen: 

"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ,

if his love has made a difference in your life,

if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you,

if you have a heart, if you CARE -- then do me a favor:

Agree with each other,

love each other,

be deep-spirited friends.

Don't push your way to the front,

Don't sweet-talk your way to the top.

Put yourselves aside, and help others get ahead.

Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage.

Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself.

He had equal status with God but did not think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what.

Not at all.

When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity

and took the status of a slave, became human!

Having become human, he stayed human.

It was an incredibly humbling process.

He didn't claim special privileges.

Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and 

then died a selfless, obedient death

-- and the worst kind of death at that -- a crucifixion"

(Philippians 2: 1-8)

That is the first kind of brokenness. It is a brokenness from our selfish, American -- What's in it for me? -- attitude. The second type of brokenness has probably been felt by more of us than the previous.

I have spoken a great deal about the brokenness I have endured in my life. It is a shattering of what you believed, hoped and dreamed about your life. Everything is torn away from you and your life is laid bare. You see no way out. You can't trust anyone. You come to the realization that the deck life has dealt you, is stacked against you. Maybe a relationship has evaporated before your eyes. Maybe a group of people you trusted has betrayed your trust. Maybe death has come and took away a person you loved, and all you hear are pious platitudes. People have shared their stories with me. They have been stories of such intense pain, I wonder how they survived.

What I have learned through my life is surviving the second aspect of brokenness is dependent of the first aspect. Much of the time I spent in brokenness was spent in self pity. Instead of "What's in it for me?" it became, "Why is this happening to me?". The commonality in those two statements is "me". Yes, I have been in pain, I have experienced the end of relationships, I have experienced death of a loved one -- BUT, NEWS FLASH!--so has everyone else on this planet. My mistake in dealing with my brokenness was continuing to focus on MY brokenness. Even with all of the lip service to sacrifice and selflessness, I was still egocentric. I was still thinking about only me. My way out was to surrender to my pain and realize it was another step in my life. We are molded and perfected through the difficulties was are enduring. What I have found is that if I attempt to help others, my issues fade in comparison.

I in no way want to diminish the pain and hurt you may be experiencing, but if you will look past yourself, you may find healing.  

Peace,

~Al

HURT

~ This is one of the most moving songs I have ever heard. ~

I heard of yet another death this week, not a relative but a co-worker's family member. 2011 was a tough year for death in our family. I am at that age where I seem to know more people who are passing away than are getting married or having babies. I was talking with my son, Nathan, about this and told him, 

"When you have more days behind you than in front of you, 

you seem to reevaluate life."

So, as I sit and look at life I realize that hurt and pain comes in many forms. We do feel the sting when someone we love passes. We attempt to reassemble our lives and go on. If we are people of faith, we know that this life is temporary and a greater life awaits us on the other side of death. 

However, in many ways that is a pain that fades over time. When we are hurt by a person or an institution, we are left with not only hurt but a gaping hole in our ability to trust. We are hesitant to trust people around us. 

I know people who had some sort of conflict with someone years or even decades ago. Even after all this time they still carry within themselves the pain as if it were still happening. All it takes to bring it to the surface is a random memory or some other trigger. When at the surface, it is as though it was happening all over again. Military families see something similar to this when a loved one comes home from a war zone. Psychologists call this Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome or PTSD.  Many people today are still wounded by some pain or hurt and are haunted by a form of PTSD.

Over my life I have had my share of hurt and pain, in my humble opinion, more than my fair share. I was trapped in the ever spiraling descent into hatred. When I heard that something horrible had happened to one of the people who hurt me - I was glad. Then, I heard the person who had hurt me more deeply than words can describe was diagnosed with ALS. Surprisingly, I was not glad, I started crying. I made the call to my ex-wife and apologized for anything I had done to hurt her and she did the same. I truly believe God touched my heart. All of the bitterness and hatred for her was gone. Along with her husband and our two children I spent much of late 2010 and early 2011 at her bedside. When she passed away in May of 2011, her husband and I sat on each side of her deathbed holding one of her hands. Since that time I have tried to rebuild relationships that were broken. Was the hatred worth it? - NO!

This carried over to me attempting to heal relationships that I had caused the hurt. Again, to my surprise, I found that to be the more difficult. When you have hurt someone, going to them and asking for their forgiveness is a difficult task. My tongue is a very effective weapon. I have used words as weapons for years. I was always very good at removing the issue from the argument turning it into a personal attack on the person with whom I was arguing.

I remember the old preacher story about the farmer, Josephine shared it with me this morning.

There once was a boy who had a bad temper.

His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he 

lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy has driven 37 nails into the fence,

Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger,

the number of nails he used began to dwindle down.

He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive

the nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the 

boy did not lose his temper at all. He told his father about it, and

the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each

day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father

that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand

and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well my son,

but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same.

When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.

You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It will not matter how 

many times you say you are sorry, the wound is still there."

A verbal wound can, more often than not,

cut deeper than a physical wound.

I truly believe that the only way a person can be healed from these wounds is by the touch of God. Jesus continually told his disciples to forgive as God has forgiven you. In Jeremiah 31:34b, Yahweh says,

"For I will forgive their wickedness

and remember their sins no more"

I can still remember things that have hurt me, but the pain is gone. It is over, it was in the past and I know it is over. I don't have to relive that pain over and over again - that is gone. Yes, the wounds are still there, but they are just scars that have helped to shape me into the person I am today.

I am reminded of King David. He saw a man's wife bathing and sent for her. Being the King, he could have anything he wanted. He committed adultery with her, plotted her husband's death and eventually married her. As he was convicted of his sin by the Prophet Nathan, he wrote the 51st Psalm. You might read it. I am particularly moved by verse 4.

"Against you, you only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in your sight"

Ask God to help you forgive. Ask God to help you to seek the forgiveness of those you have hurt. God knows you better than you know yourself and he knows that this kind of pain and hurt destroys people on both sides of this equation. 

Peace,

~Al

Below is a song made famous by Leonard Cohen. Listen to the words about David.

I am available to speak at churches and groups, I can be contacted at al.lachner@gmail.com

WORDS

~Please Watch This Short Video Before Reading~

Words, just words. They pour out of our mouths every day. Unfortunately,   they often pour out without a thought behind them. They can hurt, inspire, teach, encourage, condemn, uplift, marginalize, gossip or be an affirmation of love. Words come at us constantly throughout the day - radio, TV, billboards, texts, Tweets and the internet in general. Words are the tools that can sway a country, through the oratory gifts of a Hitler or a Martin Luther King. They are the medium by which we learn. They are the way we express our love. They are the weapon we use to destroy another person. Words, just words...

We all have words that have stuck in our minds. Something said by a parent, loved one, mentor or teacher. We have no idea if our words will register in the mind of the person with whom we are communicating. If you have ever been the parent of a teenager, you wonder if they are even penetrating their skull. Yet, I know that is incorrect, those words were heard, maybe not heeded. Words have a tendency to come back around and pop back into our heads years after they were spoken. I once read, and can't remember where, that it takes seven positive words to make up for the damage made by one negative word. 

I remember my Junior High School Counselor telling me I should take mainly shop classes (vocational/mechanical classes). He said, "You will probably work at the Standard Oil Refinery, you don't need to worry about College." Being who I am, I took that as a challenge, I hope he knew I would. But those words motivated me to go to College and eventually Graduate School. How many others would have taken them at face value and never realized their true potential.

I also remember the words of a minister named Lynn Anderson. He slowly and patiently shared the grace of God with me. He helped me realize that no amount of legalistic adherence to Dogma brought me closer to God. He taught me to see the beauty of God in everyone I meet. To see people as Jesus saw people; made in the image of God. To be quick to forgive and slow to condemn. I learned to listen to the "story" that each person possesses. To not judge people based on where they are today, but rather where they are in the story of their life.

In the Gospel of John, he begins with these words:

"In the beginning was the word..."

In this verse, John is talking about Jesus. However he uses a very powerful Greek word - logos. In my library I have a series of books called, The Theological Dictionary of the New Testament. When it attempts to define logos, 200 pages are dedicated to this one word. Among many of the definitions are: mind, thought, expression, reason and communication. John chose a word that is full of dynamics and is multifaceted.

In the same way words are more than just words. They carry with them power. As a kid I used to hear, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me". Today, at almost 60, I can say, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can rip my heart to shreds." or "Material things can make me happy for a bit, but words can change my life forever."

Everyday you have the opportunity to change the world around you. I would encourage you to choose your words wisely. Do your best to make your words a blessing to the people you interact with. See if encouragement gets better results than judgment. Don't get me wrong. I still have a tendency to blast people, but I am trying to control that.

So, with all that being said - Change your words and change the world.

Peace

~Al

~I am available to speak at churches or other groups. 

Contact me at al.lachner@gmail.com~

WORDS, JUST WORDS...